If you have somehow been living under a non-Starbucks-equipped rock, then you may have missed the news that Oprah has got her own line of chai tea now, the proceeds from which will go towards helping kids learn or something like that. Anyway, the bottom line is that Oprah is involved, and as such, I had no choice but to purchase the product and try it out. (As it’s no longer winter or whatever, I went ahead and ordered a grande iced chai as opposed to hot.)
Before we get into the actual results of this taste-test, though, let’s talk about my…
- When I arrived at Starbucks and placed my order, inevitably giving my name to the barista for organizational purposes, the aforementioned barista would yell (in an Oprah please-welcome voice): please welcome MEEEEEEEGGGGGGGaaaaaaaaannnnnnn!
- Once my #OPRAHCHAI was ready for pickup, someone would yell (in an Oprah and-you-get-a voice): and YOU get an Oprah chai!
- Oprah would then magically appear to interview me about my chai experience, pausing to dramatically repeat my description each time I finished a sentence. Example: me – “I liked the chai, Oprah.” Oprah – “You LIKED the chai. You liked the chai.” *audience applause*
- I would turn around and there would be Tom Cruise, jumping up and down on the nearest piece of mildly spongy furniture, because chai is I-am-possibly-in-love-with-Katie-Holmes level exciting.
- I would also begin receiving all sorts of free things, like cars and houses or whatever else qualifies as Oprah’s favorite things. (They would just fall out of the sky and into the Starbucks.)
- My weight would begin erratically fluctuating, because Oprah.
- I ordered the Oprah chai, and also LOL’d after I did that, because if you don’t think you’re going to sound like a fucking idiot ordering an Oprah-themed beverage in public, you are SORELY MISTAKEN, SIR.
- While the barista DID ask for my name, he didn’t welcome me Oprah-style. (It hurt my feelings.)
- When the chai was ready, the barista just said, “Oprah chai.” There was no, AND YOU GET A, and again, it hurt my feelings.
- I took a sip and waited for Oprah to appear. She didn’t. If she had, I would have said, “Oprah, I like the Chai, but it’s got a little too much milk. The Tazo chai is better because #SPICY.”
- Tom Cruise did not appear, probably because Oprah did not appear, and also because non-spicy chai isn’t cause for jumping up and down on furniture.
- I didn’t receive any new free things, so I took a large wad of napkins with me as compensation.
- My weight did not fluctuate erratically, which was actually a bonus.
A grande iced Oprah chai costs $5.06, at least where I bought it in Greenpoint. You could buy a lot of things with that, like almost two grande iced coffees, or something that isn’t Starbucks altogether. If I had to tell you to order it or not order it, I would say don’t do it. Don’t help the children learn. Probably just watch Oprah reruns instead.