Now that homosexuals can get married in this city, it’s time for all straight people to do our patriotic duty to god, country, and our own consciences by demanding that they for shit’s sake think about it for a minute before they do anything rash. It’s not too late to run off to Monaco and become a famous reclusive artist and raconteur. Seriously, gay people, life is really really long, and suddenly once you’re locked in, the misery starts to pile up in corners where the broom cannot reach. An old poet I once knew took me aside when I was young and full of ideals and told me: “Peter, I did not know true sadness until I owned a house.” Jesus he was right.
Do you know what I am talking about? Just because you can do something, you know? If everyone else jumped off a bridge…You’re going to do it anyway aren’t you? Dammit. OK, drink this. Take a deep breath. No I was just kidding. It’ll be fine. Cheers my friends–welcome to the secret we’ve been keeping from you along with your rights: no matter how free it feels to give away your freedom, that shit is still gone. And you can’t never ever get it back.