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Megan Gailey is one of our favorite stand ups. She’s also more knowledgeable than everyone on the BYT staff about sports so we’re asking her about sports. Today’s column answers the question, why is Deflategate the worst?

Why is Deflategate the worst?

1) It’s name is really stupid.
We’re tired of “gate” themed scandals. If Watergate knew how awful of a trend it would set, the hotel would have put itself on fire to avoid the decades of pain and suffering we’ve endured.

2) They won.
The Patriots won and they’re not having to say they unwon. Imagine the Prom Queen at your high school gets caught putting up posters that weren’t allowed by the “Prom Committee” (moms with acrylic nails). So to punish her she can’t go on the graduation trip to Great America. She’s still Prom Queen! She still has a crown and a pool in her backyard and all the booze she can drink at her parents house as long as she doesn’t drive anywhere.

3) The integrity of the game was damaged a long time before this.
Roger Goodell has lost all credibility. Even when he makes the right decision, it is viewed as the wrong decision because it is coming from him. He is despised by players, a blowhard to fans and not even good to make fun of on late night TV. The NFL needs a new commissioner. Fair or not, it’s time for a change.

4) ESPN cares more than we do.
It’s a story the media really fell in love with because it created a storyline before the Super Bowl. Then they won the Super Bowl and now they STILL get to talk about it. If this was any other team, like if the Atlanta Falcons got caught piping noise into their stadium, it wouldn’t be a story. The Atlanta Falcons DID get caught doing that, DID lose draft picks but they are the Atlanta Falcons and they couldn’t even make one season of Hard Knocks interesting so it’s like get those snoozers out of here! But like lots of love to Kim Zolciak Biermann.

5) Tom Brady doesn’t even care.
His agent seems pretty upset and I think Belichick is really mad dad “YOU LIED TO ME TOMMY!” but Brady is going to appeal, maybe get it reduced or maybe not and then go about defending his Super Bowl Title. He also got to act like he had no idea who the two “deflater” Boston schmucks he talked into doing this were. So he’ll have to have them over for dinner. That’s probably the worst punishment of all, lifelong blood brothers with two men that haven’t seen anything but The Town.

See Megan on May 20 at 8 p.m. at The Knitting Factory.

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