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Megan Gailey is one of our favorite stand ups. She’s also more knowledgeable than everyone on the BYT staff about sports so we’re asking her about sports. Today’s column answers the question, is FIFA fucked?

FIFA is corrupt. Very corrupt. I didn’t really know because: a) I don’t care. There would be a “b” but I can’t think of one. So the US and Swiss governments have banned together, for another one of their “Save the World” moments, to indict 14 FIFA officials. They demand they be held accountable, give back the $100 million in bribes they accepted, change their sexy bad boy International ways and move forward towards the soccer sunset in a less villainous way.

Consider me an expert because I watched a 20 minute piece about FIFA on Saturday and here is everything it (Jeremy Schaap) taught me. Sepp Blatter, like pee, is the President of FIFA. He’s a bad dude. He doesn’t give any fucks about what anyone thinks or does because he is basically a dictator that will kill you with a cleat if you cross him. He is up for re-election on Friday and is an almost guaranteed victor, despite the serious hot doo-doo all these friends of his are in. But Blatter is not in trouble? Not yet. Some say he is too smart to get caught, some say he is actually a soccer ball made of a bladder. To Be Continued…

FIFA has been accused of some pretty terrible things. For example, the 2022 World Cup is going to be in Qatar. That seems like a crime in it of itself. The Qatar Royal Family or Sultan or Swamp Monster that leads them reportedly bought the World Cup from Blatter and then used slave labor to build the infrastructure and stadiums for the event. But none of these FIFA boys are indicted for that. Not the 2018 World Cup or the 2022 World Cup are even in question. But they probably should be.

But we’re getting away from the real point. THIS IS GREAT NEWS! The US loves a league that is corrupt, greedy, violent and hateful and now we get a new one to cheer for! Sure, there are fans of “the real futbol” here in North America but those are usually short men that have always liked being contrarian little losers in scarves. But now these indictments bring the sport to the masses. Is it even an organization without high-profile arrests? They also have power and lots and LOTS of money. Three for three! Throw in the accents and you’ve found the cherry on top!

FIFA getting trouble is like the Italian foreign exchange student getting thrown out of prom for having sex in the bathroom with someone else’s date. Yeah, they broke the rules and they are in BIG trouble but their popularity is going to soar!

See Megan on May 29 at 8 p.m. at The Knitting Factory.

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