Megan Gailey is one of our favorite stand ups. She’s also more knowledgeable than everyone on the BYT staff about sports so we’re asking her about sports. Today’s column updates us on American’s favorite sport, how’s the NFL offseason going?
The draft is two weeks away and there’s still lots of chatter about who will be the first QB selected this year: Marcus Mariota or Jameis Winston, both Heisman winners. You might remember Winston from sexual assault reports, stealing seafood, yelling “Fuck her right in the Pussy” at a campus dining court and managing to be horrible in everything he does off the field while successfully pretending nothing has happened. I sometimes forget to hate him because he acts like he’s student body president. And you know Marriota from not being Winston.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CaCY-XDdueA
There’s been countless free agency moves, Ndamukong Suh to the Dolphins, Frank Gore and Andre Johnson to the Colts, the Eagles lost their whole team and Troy Polamalu retired as the most likeable man from the least likeable team and Johnny Manziel went to and was released from rehab. But the really story this week is CHEERLEADERS TRYOUTS! Oh and Aaron Hernandez.
Aaron Hernandez is a murderer according to the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. And that seemed like a pretty inevitable verdict but according to ESPN legal experts (which are my favorite kind of legal experts because it’s like did you get disbarred or do you just really wish you could have been a pitcher?) it was very close to a hung jury. Patriots owner, Robert Kraft, was called as a witness for the prosecution and did an amazing job of protecting himself, the Patriots and the NFL. Ol’ Bobby played the “This is a sad situation I wish you guys had never found out about because this piece of shit was amazing at catching footballs but now that you all know he’s a piece of shit I’m going to tell you I was completely shocked by his actions and horrified of the man I’d let in to my organization but like I knew the whole time hehe!” But it’s not over for Aaron, he’s got more murder trials ahead of him!! He’s going to trial for two more murders and we all know if it had just been this one, totally cool but three? In the words of Chris Berman, “COME ON MAN!?”
OK but what is going on with these cheerleaders you ask! The NFL Instagram account added a photo of Jets Flight Crew tryouts. The Jets Flight crew is obviously not a team of pilots that flies green and white planes over the Meadowlands but cheerleaders! Cheerleaders can no longer be called cheerleaders because that mom in Texas that tried to kill one and decades of people hating them. This is why the NFL is brilliant. There’s no football games being played, the NCAA tournament is over, basketball isn’t exciting yet and baseball had like a week of “opening day” fun and is now a slow march of nonsense, minibats and racing bratwursts. But when the NFL isn’t producing a product, it is still producing a product! Abs, curls, titties! And this picture was a collage of 4 different grown women in sparkle bras. The best. And the best got better in the comments section. Some of my favorites were: (Warning: you could see the outline of one gals nipples!!)
-nipples top right
-WTF OMG, ARIANA GRANDE POSTED A NUDE BY ACCIDENT BUT SHE DELETED IT BUT I SAVED IT! HURRY! FOLLOW ME TO SEE IT!
-All ugly like the Jets organization
-Good fucking lord they look how the Jets play
-I would fuck all of them
-Straight up Savage
-Their all fat
Yes, that’s how a man criticizing professional cheerleaders bodies spells! I feel recharged to tackle these last 4 months of life without football. I miss seeing bronzed Roger Goodell in all of his understated villain suits but I know I’ll make it through.