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Megan Gailey is one of our favorite stand ups. She’s also more knowledgeable than everyone on the BYT staff about sports so we’re asking her about sports. Today’s column answers the age old question, are athletes more likely to get stabbed?

Yes. No. Probably? Maybe. I’m just going to stick with maybe. I think I’m being too flippant about it. It’s wrong to joke about criminal activity. Except when Plaxico Burress shoots HIMSELF in the leg in a nightclub. What a goof! But then he was on Celebrity Wife Swap and seemed liked a pretty good guy. So now I just think about him in a nicely pressed button down telling his wife he loves her.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFnKlrjCctM

It was also really funny when Miguel Cabrera got a DUI and moved over to the passenger seat of his empty car to act like he wasn’t the one driving. He also asked the arresting officer if he knew who he was. And gave him his MVP stats. Pretty fun rich guy move. Also, when I was 21 and interning at a local sports television program he growled at me in a clubhouse until a camera man told him that was not OK. So he’s a character!

And then there are athletes you actually want to get injured. (But you always root for off field injuries because of some code that even I don’t understand but abide by.) Ben Roethlisberger, for example, breaking some bones in a motorcycle accident feels like karma doing it’s magic.

Those things are fun because all of those guys brought those upon themselves. (And if you don’t understand how Ben brought on a motorcycle accident, Google ‘Ben Roethlisberger’). But then serious things happen to athletes and it’s really hard to take them seriously! And maybe that’s because most of them happen outside of a strip club, or at 3 a.m. in a Bentley or because a pretty lady is burning down an even prettier mansion as revenge. But they still happen. So maybe the better question is “when athletes get stabbed, do we really feel that bad?” and I think that answer is, when they’re not on your team, NO! Is this a ridiculous thing to discuss? Yes! Are there bigger and more important battles to fight? YES! But I’m a former high school Prom Queen who has had 500 people rooting for me to get fat and divorced for 11 years and this is my platform! So I’m standing up for the Chris Copeland’s of the world (he just got stabbed).

I think we don’t care as much because athletes don’t make very good victims. They’re usually rich and chiseled and own a Sea Ray named “My Heisman Trophy”. So we’re kind of programmed to assume they did something to bring it on themselves. If abused puppies are on one end of the “best victims” spectrum, think of athletes ranking just above Republican State Senators from Indiana on the opposite end.

I am going to adopt the “Innocent Until Proven They Deserved to Get Stabbed” mantra. I will wait to laugh. Because maybe it’s not very funny when someone gets hurt. Unless it’s a mascot. I love a stomping mascot!

See Megan this Saturday, April 11 at The Graham at 8 p.m. for Game Night and at Cantina Royal for Good For You at 9 p.m., both in Williamsburg!

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