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Hello! (Or should I say PIP PIP CHEERIO now that we’re well-English, kind of?) I hope that you have taken a moment to read the part of the title that says SPOILER-FILLED, because even though I haven’t yet decided how many spoilers will be included in the body of this post, I can only assume there will be many. And to avoid instances of WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SPOILER ALERT?! I have decided to cover my bases.

(If you didn’t watch the episode, this is the part where you avert your eyes.)

Okay. Ready?

Well shit just got REAL romantical over at Downton Abbey, y’all!

Let’s start with the most romantic gesture of all, though, which is Bates (probably) murdering Mr. Green in a grand showing of “DO NOT FUCK WITH ANNA OR YOU WILL GET MEGA-KILLED. BY ME.” We never actually SEE this go down, but Mr. Bates takes a day off to go to York on undisclosed business, and we later find out from Lord Gillingham that Mr. Green has died suddenly in an “accident”. So that’d all be well and good, except for the fact that Lady Mary had lunch with Gillingham the day before to tell him to fire the shit out of Green for reasons she couldn’t say; he finds all of the timing highly suspicious, and it’s obvious this is going to be a big problem. Mary tells Anna what’s happened, and Anna tries to find out from Bates whether or not he was up to any murderous activities on his big day out. (Bates denies everything whilst smiling a creepy smile and hobbling away, naturally.)

We’ve also got baby mama drama happening with Lady Edith, who still can’t seem to locate Gregson. (UH-OH.) The Dowager Countess gets hip to the secret and is all, “HEY I WILL PAY FOR YOU TO GO LIVE ABROAD AND GIVE YOUR BABY AWAY AND NOT BE A DISGRACE TO US LOL,” although Lady Edith is semi-hesitant, ’cause what if Gregson miraculously reappears?! (Unlikely, Edith. Take the money and run.)

Meanwhile, Rose gets engaged to Jack Ross, and #SCANDAL because #RACE. Branson sees them together and rats (#LAME) to Lady Mary, but even if that weren’t the case, Rose decides to use Lady Mary as a confidante, which ends up backfiring as Lady Mary decides to pay Monsieur Jack a visit to be all, “Hi, remember how your skin is different from my skin? Yeahhhhhhhhhh that’s going to be a problem for everyone involved.” Surprisingly he agrees with her, though, and is like, “I really love Rose, so I’m gonna let her go.” Mary’s like, WHOA THAT WAS EASY, and within the next day Rose has received word that Jack doesn’t want to go through with marriage. (She blames Mary, obviously.)

And in MARY romance land, things is gettin’ REAL COMPLICATED; she’s still on the receiving end of Gillingham’s affections (hence her decision to make him fire the now-dead Green), but she’s also being pursued by that used-to-be-a-jerk Blake guy. The dudes both end up at the village bazaar hosted at Downton, and it’s kind of awkward but WHATEVER, ’cause there’s a severe lack of testosterone now that Lord Grantham’s in America or whatever.

JUST KIDDING, THOUGH! Lord Grantham appears unexpectedly with the good news that everything in the US was totally fine, and everyone is like, “HI WE MISSED YOU LOL!” (It’s highly anticlimactic.)

In other romance news, though, we’ve got Branson with a semi-love interest! It’s that lady he met at the political thing last time, and even though she’s not as pretty as Lady Sybil, WE’LL TAKE IT. Isobel, meanwhile, is seemingly being pursued by Lady Mary’s godfather (Lord Merton), and Molesley is smitten with the gradually-becoming-less-slimey Baxter! SO MUCH LOVE IS IN THE AIR.

(So that’s where we’re at, y’all. A murder mystery and lots o’ feels.)

What’d you think of the episode? TELL US ALL YOUR #FEELS in the comments and/or on Twitter, yeah? SEE YOU NEXT TIME!