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Hello! (Or should I say PIP PIP CHEERIO now that we’re well-English, kind of?) I hope that you have taken a moment to read the part of the title that says SPOILER-FILLED, because even though I haven’t yet decided how many spoilers will be included in the body of this post, I can only assume there will be many. And to avoid instances of WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SPOILER ALERT?! I have decided to cover my bases.

(If you didn’t watch the episode, this is the part where you avert your eyes.)

Okay. Ready?

Note: this episode is pretty boring for the rich people! That being said, ONTO THE SERVITUDE…

Things open and Mr. Bates ‘n Anna are lookin’ REAL SAD, though separately. (Because Anna is still very understandably hugely effed up after having been violated.) Mr. Bates confronts Anna about her icy cold demeanor, and she’s evasive yet again. Mrs. Hughes notes the continued coldness and reminds Anna that she’s totally not pregnant (guess she got her period or whatever), and asks her: CAN’T YOU GET OVER IT? (Ummm…no, Mrs. Hughes…that’s not exactly how rape works…) Anna explains that she doesn’t want to tell Mr. Bates since she’s still worried he’d kill the guy who did it, but what she doesn’t know is that Mr. Bates is eavesdropping in the hallway. UH-OH. He tries again to get it out of Anna face-to-face, but when she refuses to let him in again, he goes to Mrs. Hughes. Again, UH-OH. Mr. Bates says he’s thinking of leaving Downton since Anna clearly no longer loves him, so Mrs. Hughes is kind of forced to tell him the truth. (OH SHIT.)


She tells him the story, but she tries to make it sound like the culprit was an anonymous burglar who broke in during the concert. Bates doesn’t believe her (he rightly guesses that it was Lord Gillingham’s valet), but Mrs. Hughes SWEARS that that’s not true in order to prevent Bates from flying off the handle. Bates tells Anna he knows the truth, and he asks her to confirm that it wasn’t Mr. Green (Gillingham’s valet); obviously she falsely confirms what Mrs. Hughes said to him to avoid Bates killing Mr. Green and getting arrested for it, and he accepts that. (For now, anyway.) Then Anna says she’s spoiled for Bates now, and Bates is like, “What? This is totally not your fault, and you could never be spoiled for me.” (Good man, Bates.) Anna decides to move back in with Mr. Bates and try to put the whole thing behind them. Mr. Bates, meanwhile, has other ideas…he corners Mrs. Hughes in the hall and says he’s determined to find the culprit whether she gives him a name or not. (I repeat: OH SHIT.)

In other servant news, Alfred is totally good at cooking, and he’s in training to take a test to become a chef at the Ritz. Daisy is still annoyingly in love with him, so she shows him around the kitchen. (Mrs. Patmore makes a comment about Daisy helping him “enrich his béchamel”, and everyone proceeds to throw up a little bit.) Anyway, now that it’s become clear that Alfred’s headed for a career in cooking, Mr. Carson suggests they hire back Mr. Molesley. BUT when they offer to hire him back as a footman, Molesley is like, “I’M SO ABOVE THAT, DUDE! I AM A VALET!” (Mr. Carson’s like, EFF THAT, PEASANT.) Turns out that Alfred doesn’t pass his test anyway, though, so there’s no spot left for him; Molesley belatedly accepts the position, and Mr. Carson’s like, “LOL NOPE, MISSED YER CHANCE.” Molesley mopes off as per usual. Daisy’s the only one who seems ultra-glad, ’cause SHE LURVES ALFRED THE FAILURE.

Meanwhile, now that slut-bag Braithwaite is gone, there’s a new lady’s maid called Baxter who’s being hella manipulative to Lady Grantham (not that it’s hard), partially at the urging of slimy Thomas; he wants an ally in staying abreast of the estate news (times is changin’, y’all…) and he’s getting one through Baxter. Meanwhile, Tom realizes he doesn’t belong at Downton because IRELAND and SOCIALISM ETC., so he casually mentions he might move to America or something. Everyone’s like, “Noooooooo! Think it over and stuff!” Later, in the bedroom, Lord and Lady Grantham talk about what that decision would mean (aka that Lil Sybil would move with him, and #ETERNALSADNESS), and while Lady Grantham is down to let him do his thing, Lord Grantham is not so cool with the idea of Tom peacin’ out. For now, though, Tom is staying put to help Mary deal with all the estate stuff that Lord Grantham generally doesn’t agree with them on. #WHEW

And NEXT WEEK: looks super boring!

Please feel free to share your thoughts about this episode in the comments and/or on Twitter. (PS if you’re still reading this YOU WIN!)