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Hello! (Or should I say PIP PIP CHEERIO now that we’re well-English, kind of?) I hope that you have taken a moment to read the part of the title that says SPOILER-FILLED, because even though I haven’t yet decided how many spoilers will be included in the body of this post, I can only assume there will be many. And to avoid instances of WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SPOILER ALERT?! I have decided to cover my bases.

(If you didn’t watch the episode, this is the part where you avert your eyes.)

Okay. Ready?

Well hey again! So this week’s episode opens with Mrs. Hughes opening a letter from maid-turned-secretary Gwen, who’s allegedly been “married”, but we know she really just ran off beyond the wall to fulfill a lifelong dream of becoming a wildling:

Meanwhile, Thomas and super-slut Braithwaite are about to form a slimy alliance as evidenced by an exchange in the hallway that’s more or less like, “HATERS GONNA HATE, AMIRITE?!” (So that’s pretty annoying since I was just beginning to not hate Thomas completely, but I guess somebody’s gotta be his new fag hag seeing as O’Brien’s bangs are no longer with us.) After Thomas walks away, Anna decides to stick her idiot face into things and say, “Hey, PS, Thomas is not a good person AT ALL, so probably keep an eye out for him, yeah?” to Braithwaite, which Braithwaite will decide qualifies Anna for ALL OF THE TORTURE shortly thereafter.

But NOT before a mystery box is delivered downstairs addressed to Lady Mary! It’s from Matthew’s estate, so Mrs. Hughes suggests to Mr. Carson that they give it to Lord Grantham, y’know, just in case any of the contents might force Mary back into a mega-depression or whatever. And HOLY SHIT, there is a letter that falls out of a book that’s in the box, and it’s basically Matthew’s unofficial will that states that he wants Mary to be his sole heiress. Mother effing Lord Grantham is like, “Hmmm…maybe we should not tell Mary about this, because what if it won’t uphold in the face of the law and her hopes are dashed or something?” to which the Dowager Countess is like, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, TELL HER RIGHT NOW.”

So he DOES give Mary the letter, and after she’s read it they have a little family pow-wow in the living room. Lord Grantham reads it to everyone else, and it’s full of #FEELS, and Mary cries, and Tom goes, “COOL, IT’S ALL SORTED OUT NOW!” to which Lord Grantham replies, “Ummmm, no, not technically. It’s pretty much not a real will.” (Insert Debbie Downer sound here.) Later on at dinner LG continues to be a super douche with some rapid-fire estate questions thrown at Mary. “What about crop rotation? What about taxes? What about livestock? Do you know anything? Are you an idiot? Hello?” (But pretty much everyone at the table realizes he’s being a total dickhead, for what it’s worth.)

The Dowager Countess calls bullshit on all of this childish behavior and decides to set Mary up with Tom for lessons about the goings-on of the estate. Mary’s like, “Won’t dad mind?” and DC’s like, “SO WHAT WHO CARES.” And so they embark on these lessons, and as per usual Tom is ultra-supportive. HOORAY! And it all mostly pays off when they find out that the will, despite being pretty rudimentary, actually stands legally. DOUBLE HOORAY! Mary’s sure to be like, “Cool, that’s great, PS I’m the one who wears the pants from now on, pops,” and it’s pretty good.

In poor-old-Molesley land, Anna bumps into him toiling away in the village. He looks in pretty bad shape, and sure enough, as soon as he opens his mouth he’s basically sobbing; he’s in a dead-end job, owes money all over town, and he’s pretty much at the end of his rope. Anna offers to loan him some money, but he’s too proud and refuses. (#SADNESS) Mr. Bates decides to trick Molesley into accepting some funds by inviting him over and pretending to repay some money he never actually borrowed; obviously Molesley is confused, but he takes the cash and Anna is glad.

And speaking of Anna, she decides to be ultra-charitable this episode and accompany Rose to some dance party in York, which is basically filled with lots of poor drunk people. Rose pretends to be low-class and ends up dancing with one of the poor people (who’s actually pretty good-looking), but this eventually ends in a bar fight once all the other poor people decide they want to dance with her, too. (Anna and Rose get the eff out of there before they’re arrested.) BUT, the first guy that Rose danced with remembers she claimed to work at Downton, so he shows up unannounced to check on her. Rose has to do a quick wardrobe change to keep up appearances, but she goes out to meet him dressed as a housemaid and lets him down easy by saying she’s dating a local farmer. #WOMPWOMP

Back to the new dynamic douchebag duo that is Thomas and Braithwaite, though! Braithwaite bumps into Thomas in the hall in a hurry, and when he asks her what’s wrong, she holds up a blouse of Lady Grantham’s that she burned the shit out of whilst ironing. (GOOD JOB.) Thomas gives her instructions for exactly what to do to avoid blame, so she insists to Lady Grantham that she can’t say how the accident happened. THEN, that mother effing weasel Thomas goes to Lady Grantham and casually hints that it was actually ANNA who fucked up the blouse, and that Braithwaite was just covering for her. Lady Grantham believes it (obviously), and so Lord Grantham has a little chat with Mr. Bates to tell Anna to COOL IT. Bates is obviously like “WTF?!” He figures out that Braithwaite is scheming with Thomas, though, and he and Anna are #PISSED. Stay tuned for future retribution.

And remember Mr. Grigg from last week? WELL, Isobel Crawley got him a job as a stage door keeper at an opera in Belfast, which is great news or whatever, BUT he would still like to reconcile with Mr. Carson before he goes. Isobel tries to encourage Mr. Carson to go and end the fighting, and while it SEEMS like he’s going to leave that giant stick up his ass and stay home, he does decide to meet Mr. Grigg right before he gets on his train to Belfast. Turns out they were fighting over a woman the entire time; they were both in love with her, but she chose Mr. Grigg over Mr. Carson. BUT! she realized she made the wrong choice, and that she REALLY loved Mr. Carson. (She’s dead now, though, so it doesn’t really matter.) Anyway, Mr. Grigg and Mr. Carson make amends. #FRIENDSHIP

Meanwhile, NEXT WEEK: gambling, sexual tension, Mr. Carson being scandalized as per usual!

Please feel free to share your thoughts about this episode in the comments and/or on Twitter. (PS if you’re still reading this YOU WIN!)