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Approach anyone on the street in any major city across America. Ask them which city is responsible for naming the east coast’s (supposedly) ginormous snow storm the (incredibly) nerdy and politically-tinged “Snowquestration” and we’d bet 95% of your focus group would guess our hometown of Washington, DC. They’d of course be right; who else would pair a major congressional power struggle with the fury of the elements? G-D no one. (Because of course, the shortcomings of politicians are inherently linked to any and all shortcomings in our day-to-day lives, especially Acts of God.)

And, well, let’s say you not only fear an epic snowfall but also sequestration cuts–a perfect storm, if you will, of chaos/depression/unfortunate circumstance for you. (Sorry.) How do you spend the day cooped up in your home without spending a lot of money? We’re here to help you avoid any and all sad-bastard impulse buys off Amazon or Etsy. We’ve got some handy ideas for minimum boredom (that won’t be too hard on your budget).

SNOWQUESTRATION DRINKING GAME

Obviously if you’re a government employee (or one who subsists on the funds of government agencies) and you’re worried about across-the-board cuts, maybe don’t break out the Clicquot. We’re thinking more like Steel Reserve. And since that Trinidad Pepsi machine got caught for vending malt liquor, you’re going to have to buy yours like any decent human being buying bulk malt liquor from a cashier–with sad, ashamed eyes and a sense of little-to-no self worth.

  • Drink whenever a reporter mentions how cold they are
  • Drink every time you hear the phrase “state of emergency”
  • Drink every time the news shows a photo of an empty store shelf
  • Drink every time the news shows a car going off the side of the road
  • Finish your drink every time an extra foot is added to the snow update
  • Finish your drink if the power runs out and you have no way to cook your pizza rolls
  • On social media, drink every time makes a joke about a “balanced deal” of wintry mix or a “balanced approach” to the storm
  • On social media, drink every time a grammar nazi gets upset about people using “#snowquester”
  • On social media, drink every time someone blames Obama/conservatives/liberals for provoking the wrath of God

And remember if the power goes out, there’s always this:

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NETFLIX ‘TIL YOU CAN’T NETFLIX NO MORE

If you hadn’t gathered from our weekly guides to at-home entertainment, BYT is all about snuggling up and tuning out the world. Luckily there are some great options for wiling away your days and avoiding any Lord-of-the-Flies-style factions between yourself and your roommates/friends/anyone you might happen to be stuck in a room with for a full day or two. What’s that? You don’t have Netflix and you’re still worried about budget cuts? Now’s the perfect time to sign up for a free trial or invite a friend over who happens to be a Netflix subscriber.

  • Might we suggest marathoning your way through House of Cards? We’ve got a full list of reasons for dedicating hours of your life to it, though in this case the largest is that we figure you’ll pop it on and be out of Snowquestration hibernation in no time.

  • The Grey is instantly watchable so if ever you wanted to feel better about your own personal snowy hell, this would be the way to do it. Nothing like a dose of Snowquestration escapism to forget that your car might not start in the morning, that’s what we always say. (That is obviously a lie. Sorry.) Anyway, forget all about your own snow misery by watching Liam Neeson fight off wolves and be generally the manliest man alive, all at sub-zero temperatures.
  • Or if you want to go super retro, check out Snow Creature, a 1954 cheesy scifi action flick about a doctor who captures a yeti. Zany!

If you feel like spending the big bucks, we’re sure you can buy-and-stream/Amazon-rent a slew of movies perfect for snow days, which, by the way, we have a list of right over here.

 

EPIC SNOW FUN

We’re big advocates for making the best of a snow day (after all, Snowquestration is arguably the best storm we’re going to see this winter and, if you’re super into global warming, maybe ever, who knows) so get on out there and carpe that fucking snowy diem. But, you know, be practical about it. If that article about what it’s like to freeze to death taught me anything, it’s that I never want to freeze to death. With that in mind, let’s go have some fun:

Need help making a perfect snowball??

Or what about a tutorial for building an igloo:

Just don’t end up like this guy:

 

 

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