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By David Carter

Remember how clogged the streets and beltway was before, during, and after PRIDE?

Remember how you had to leave your car in an IHOP parking lot and “just walk it”?

Remember how hot, frustrated, and uncomfortable you were with the sheer number of people clusterf*cking your life?

That sucked. And we WANTED all those people here.

Washington DC has put a bid in to host the 2024 Summer Olympics. You heard me. They will name that IHOP parking spot after you. Not as a reservation, but en memoriam, like that dead kid in your high school year book. “Here lies a 2002 Acura. Never forget, because it’s always here.”

I assume DC put in a bid because Mayor Vincent Gray heard the clarion call of the district needing more poorly printed bootleg t-shirts yelled/sold at us. Who is Obammaa? And when did he meet a young Ice Cube?

Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder and Washington Wizards and Capitals owner Ted Leonsis publicly backed the bid Tuesday, so it’s not looking good. But when was the last time the Wizards won anything? Also, if Daniel Snyder supports something, you know it’s not the popular opinion.

CEO of the US Olympic Committee, Scott Blackmun, sent a letter citing specific requirements each prospective host city would have to meet. They include the “provision of 45,000 hotel rooms, an Olympic Village to house 16,500 athletes, workspace for 15,000 journalists, and an extensive public-transportation system”. Then I suppose the Silver Line needs to hurry up. They only have a decade to come up with another excuse as to why it’s not done yet.

The bid has been pitched as a joint effort between Washington and Baltimore to host the Olympic Games. Washington will provide the event space, living quarters, sights, sounds, and B-Roll, while Baltimore will just sign the card. I give Baltimore a hard time, I know. They might actually be able to put up some of the athletes and journalists. If Baltimore has anything: its affordable housing.
Baltimore – “Come for the low rent. Stay because you’re at gun point.”
Quick side note, have you been to the Baltimore Aquarium? It’s just a guy floating face down in a tank.

Perhaps this will revitalize the district? The proposed budget is $3 billion. I know Clark Construction would love to get his hands on that money. If you weren’t aware, Clark Construction is the number one owner of commercial property in the district. He is the source of most of the orange cone-age and diesel powered clanging you can hear through your walls.
“Clark, clark, clark, went the hammer. Ca-ching, ching, ching, went the bell.”
(… I started with a Maxwell’s Silver Hammer / Golden Parachute joke, but ended there. I’m sorry.)

What will be fun is that if new housing is forcefully generated along the Anacostia River, and other eastern sections, no one can say the neighborhood was gentrified because the housing will literally be for everyone in the world. Then when the sporting is all said and done, and the precious metals are all passed and donned, the affordable housing will be made available to regular folk, like us. Just imagine it. A small new family of four can walk over the threshold of their very first home, look their children in the eyes and say, “Metahumans used to fuck here. Now get ready for dinner.”

CE or BCE, this DC does have a lot in common with the original Olympic Games. Near naked politicians and money makers bask in the shade as they are entertained by the lower classes battling for recognition and survival. I say we give gold to the winner and the rest to the dogs.

I don’t mean to be too negative. I love day drinking as much as the next clouded alcoholic. I just doubt that this city can handle it. Do the eventual perks outweigh the immediate pains? I don’t know.

What I do know is how annoying drunk jingoism can be, World Cup fans, and how I opt to avoid it.

There will be no avoiding it if we bring the precious Rings here. Be wise, Samwise. What I do know is that much like LOTR, if the District puts on the Rings, I plan to disappear. Let’s hope the bid shall not pass.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to walk to IHOP.

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