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Honey, Valentines Day is coming early this year and I’m seeing Red! Red Lobster that is! We’ve just scored two all access passes to an exclusive Red Lobster LobsterFest tasting festival!

My hot crustasian wife grabbed our winter coats out of the clawset and we hightailed it to Red Lobster in fabulous Sterling. It’s just a quick 31 mile drive outside DC, or hop on the silver line metro to the Dulles Town Center Mall stop (opening in June 2047).

With the Prilosec fully absorbed into the bloodstream we arrived. Flanked by Long Horn Steakhouse and Romano’s Macaroni Grill, Red Lobster stood proud amid the thieves, our mouths watering before we even stepped inside. We were greeted with a smile as the gracious host directed us to the spacious LobsterFest dining room, where we grabbed a booth all to ourselves, no clawstrophobia in this joint! (I promise that’s the last one… SIKE!)


Dean Turner, Regional Director of Marketing, kicked off the fest by letting us know we’d be sampling some of their finest LobsterFest entrees, many of them new to this year’s celebration. But first, some famous Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits®! Dean let us know he baked each one himself – but he was totally kidding. The flaky mounds came out piping hot, and melted like Doritos® on my tongue.

Someone at another table mentioned they were allergic to shellfish. Dean straight up told them to get the fuck out and stay out. Now it’s me who is jay kaying! But seriously though, that’s what I would have said if I were Dean, even if she was the managing editor of Lobster Fancy.


So, when someone says “You know, a lot of people don’t associate lobster with pizza…” you know something awesome is coming. And Dean said that. And then awesome appetizers came. Told you.

Sweet Chili Shrimp Poppers with Salad Fragments®, Lobster-Crab-Seafood-and-Stuff Stuffed Mushrooms®, and of course, Lobster Piiiiizzzzzzaaaaa®!


After inhaling a couple slices, I was already getting full, and I still had a dozen more dishes to try. Dean warned us about this! I needed to loosen things up a bit in order to cram more Homarus Americanus down the gullet. I began to peruse over 15 pages of full color cocktail photos, including the Classic Margarita®, Perfect Patron Margarita®, Fruit-Infused Margarita®, The Lobsterita®, and Just a Tumbler Full of Old Bay Seasoning and Peach Schnapps®. As tempting as all that sounded, I went with the Bañana Bahama Mama Piña Piñata Colada Cooler®, which included exciting accessories such as a giant piñeapple wedge and detachable sidecar of amaretto. This delectable concoction was even better than Jimmy Buffet shitting a frothy blend of liquefied Jolly Ranchers and pirate tears directly into my mouth.


Lobster Fun Fact: Lobsters come in many shapes and sizes. There are more than 40 species of Rock lobster alone, a common variety served in restaurants.

All amaretto’d up and adorned with the limited edition exclusive LobsterFest necklace made of real plastic, it was time for the main attraction: entreeeeeeeees!

First up, Dueling Lobster Tails®! They bring two live lobsters out to the table and the head chef personally stuffs one with crab and the other with shrimp, then forces them to fight to the death, both the winner and loser get eaten. Next came Ultimate Surf and Turf®, which is basically like dueling lobster tails, except the other opponent is a slab of dead cow meat and a side of brackish dip.


Time for some trivia! The prize? A $20 gift certificate to Olive Garden. Ha! I meant, Red Lobster. How many pounds of lobster does Red Lobster serve a year? Since about 10 pounds were currently digesting in my stomach, I shouted out 10 GOD DAMN MILLION POUNDS. The gift certificate was mine suckas!

After all the excitement, it was time to chilllll. Out came Lobsters in Paradise®! C’mon down to da islands mon, where we’re serving split lobster tails deep fried in coconut batter, a macadamia nut lobster shrimp casserole surprise thingee, and a skewer of seventy five grilled shrimp. At this point, the paradise city in my gastrointestinal tract had no vacancy, but LobsterFest wasn’t having it. The Bar Harbor Lobster Bake Hot Pot® had been driving home from the wharf all night and needed a place to crash. This 3 gallon bucket of lobster tails, shrimp, scallops, mussels, barnacles, and linguini was warm and comforting on a cold day.


At this point I was just a shell of my former self, my beady eyes glazed over in a Lobster Lover’s Wet Dream®.

“Ready for dessert?”


The holy trifecta of Key Lime Pie, Chocolate Wave Cake, and Red Velvet Lobster in a Jar, whoops! I meant cake, were served all at once. My appetite clawed it’s way back up, I mixed them all together in the leftover Bar Harbor Lobster Bake Hot Pot®, dumped in another sidecar of amaretto, and went to heaven (with Pinchy).


Thank you Red Lobster. It’s been a shell of a long time since I’ve felt like such a lobStar.

Head to Red Lobster soon, as the LobsterFest specials are for a limited time only! I asked Dean if there were any plans to open up a Red Lobster in the District proper. “Not at this time” he said.

To leave you, here’s a great lobster joke, I found on lobsterjoke.com:

Why doesn’t a lobster like the drive-thru?

He can’t drive a car, roll down the windows, talk into the speaker, read the menu, or even decide on a human meal. Even if he did all that, he couldn’t drive to the other window, pay, eat the food, or drive away. Also, he probably doesn’t know how to use a straw or enjoy soft drinks.



Follow Red Lobster on FB and Twitter for updates, and remember, when you want lobster, make it red!
Note: A few details of this report may be incorrect as I lost my notebook