Just when you thought there was too much TV…there’s more! Scientology threw its hat in the TV business this week with their 24/7 channel, aptly named Scientology TV. The channel is now airing on DirecTV channel 320 (the previous home of less well-funded infomercials) and available as a streaming channel on Roku, Apple TV, and Amazon Fire TV. What will the programming for this network be exactly? The channel’s tagline is: “The only thing more interesting than what you’ve heard… is what you haven’t.”
— Scientology (@Scientology) March 11, 2018
But what about what we’ve seen? Leah Remini’s docuseries Scientology: The Aftermath scored an Emmy last year and the HBO documentary, based on the Lawrence Wright book, Going Clear: Scientology the Prison of Belief also has its share of awards and acclaim. Basically what we haven’t seen is Shelly Miscavige, wife of Scientology leader David Miscavige. David opened this fledgling network with a lengthy speech, but no Shelly by his side. Perhaps they’re saving Shelly for sweeps week.
Some of the shows on the docket for Scientology TV include Inside Scientology, L Ron Hubbard: In His Own Voice, and Meet a Scientologist. Since these shows can’t possibly fill the network’s 24/7 programming promise, here’s some other potential on-brand offerings:
12 a.m.-2 a.m.: A block of episodes from the first (FAR SUPERIOR) season of Kevin Can Wait before they killed off the delightful Erinn Hayes and replaced her with she-who-will-not-be-named, but rhymes with Sia Agony.
2 a.m.-5 a.m.: Paul Haggis’ OSCAR WINNING film Crash (2004). He may have left Scientology in 2009… but is it a coincidence he hasn’t won an Academy Award since then? NO!
5 a.m.-7 a.m.: The epic John Travolta ode to the majesty and wonder of Scientology: Battlefield Earth.
7 a.m.-8 a.m: An edited version of the Academy Award winning film Traffic, featuring only the scenes featuring famed Scientology member (and MTV Movie Award Breakthrough Female Performance Award Winning!!) Erika Christensen.
8 a.m.-8 p.m.: A Tom Cruise movie marathon featuring his most viral, studly, and acclaimed performances: Risky Business, Top Gun, Cocktail, Days of Thunder, Mission: Impossible, and his Scientology Promotional Video (played on loop 12 times).
8 p.m-11 p.m: A Pay-Per-View EVENT: Get a sneak peak of real life intimate and revealing auditing sessions!
11 p.m.-12 a.m.: A live-stream of joyful Thetans happily cleaning our gorgeous Scientology center in the heart of glamorous Hollywood to the soundtrack of famed Scientology member Beck’s hit song “Loser.”