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Hello and welcome back to another episode of my nutritionless nightmare! Today’s Sad Girl adventure (the first one of 2020 // new year, same me) takes place just down the block from my apartment at DUNKIN’ DONUTS! Snoop Dogg has (for some reason which I am too lazy to Google) teamed up with the chain to create the “Beyond D O Double G”, a sandwich comprised of Beyond Sausage (plant-based, which is p. rad), American cheese and egg, all served on a glazed donut bun. And obviously I decided to test it out. 

Before anybody gets overly hype here, let me preface by saying that my efforts will benefit no one directly; the menu item was only available for a short window, and I got it on the final day (Sunday). Apparently there will be free samples of it from 8am to 10am this Friday the 24th and Saturday the 25th while supplies last? But you won’t be able to walk in and buy it anymore, which seems incredibly dumb considering you can still buy the regular Beyond Sausage sandwich, and glazed donuts abound. Basically if you’re interested after I’m done, just hack it at home by chucking the regular sandwich bun and swapping it out for two flattened glazed donuts. But SPOILER, it wasn’t that great. DETAILS NOW:

Let’s start at the beginning! I am semi-doing* Dry January (*I got real drunk on my birthday because IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY), meaning I generally have a surplus of free time and a large caloric deficit to fill, which is how I came to the conclusion that the Snoop Dogg sandwich would be a great idea! (Even though I ate a very large portion of French fries and fried eggs for breakfast!) I walked all of the block and a half it takes to get to my local DD, and I confidently rocked up to the counter to inquire about availability. And there was a lot of confusion. There wasn’t any signage for the monstrosity, and it was weird trying to explain “THE SNOOP DOGG SANDWICH, YOU KNOW, WITH THE DONUTS!” to half the staff who clearly had no idea who Snoop Dogg was or what he had to do with my order. Fortunately someone was hip to the action, though, and it turns out it WAS something that could be punched in on the register keypad, it was just a “secret menu” type vibe. The grand total came to $4.89 w/ NY tax. AND NOW FOR THE WAITING GAME.

(My sandwich did not look like this.)

After a few minutes the food was ready, and I immediately noticed that the sandwich didn’t feel as hefty as my brain had previously believed it would. No matter, I shuffled it back on home to eat it disgustingly in privacy! 

So, what’d it look like upon unwrapping? Well, not that nice! I get that fast food tends to leave a lot to be desired re: presentation, but this was deflated AF (same, TBH), and it was actually pretty tough to get the donut to unstick from the wrapper, which resulted in a missing chunk out of part of the top. CURSES! 

Beyond Snoop

But it’s ultimately about the taste, right? So I went ahead and got stuck in, and…it was…underwhelming, to say the least. I haven’t eaten a fast food egg in a WHILE, so I forgot how flavorless and texturally bizarre they are. (It’s like eating a savory marshmallow disc.) I ended up taking the egg out entirely after the second bite, because I couldn’t really concentrate on anything else but the squidginess. I was hoping the overall balance would be better with just the cheese, sausage and donut bun, but alas – the sausage flavor, while definitely palatable, overpowered everything else. Yes, the donut came through slightly, but it was like a whisper that couldn’t stand up to the yelling of the sausage. WHY CAN’T EVERYBODY JUST HARMONIZE, FFS?!

Beyond Snoop

And within seconds, I had consumed 480 calories with very little to show for it. A Sad Girl Taste Test indeed.

That’s not to say I don’t think the idea is genius, but the execution really missed the mark. If I were to tweak anything for a V 2.0, I’d say ditch the egg and add a second donut as one of the buns, rather than splitting just one donut in half. I’d also make the whole shebang vegan (tough to do since none of Dunkin’s donuts are vegan at the moment); go big or go home when it comes to plant-based offerings, y’know? Much love and respect to Beyond Meat for creating a solid dupe in the fast food sausage patty department, though, and I hope this slightly negative-leaning review won’t deter Dunkin from fine-tuning its contributions to the movement in the future. 

For now, though, IT’S GONNA BE A NO FROM ME, DOGG.