Hello, and welcome back to another round of SAD GIRL TASTE-TEST! Ordinarily I stay within a one block radius of my apartment to conduct these (because nearly every fast food establishment in existence is mere steps away from my door), but this time I got real sad up in the St. Louis airport after attending a friend’s wedding over the weekend.
Let’s begin our story at Concourse E, where I decided to kill the ungodly three hours before my flight was to board at a sports bar. As soon as I sat down, a weird old man offered to buy me a Caesar salad. I politely declined his offer, not because its specificity seemed to imply a combination of sexism (why do you automatically assume I want a salad, sir?) and possible fetishism (like…will you be watching me eat it, or…?), but because Caesar salads suck dot com. To avoid further interaction with humans, I put on my headphones and pretended to be reading Sartre, all while knocking back many, many beers, and once I had enough alcohol in my system, I decided the coast was clear to put down the prop book and stare at one of eight hundred football games they were screening. And that, my friends, is how I discovered the HALLOWEEN WHOPPER FROM BURGER KING (with a black bun ft. A1 baked RIGHT IN!) DURING A COMMERCIAL BREAK. Having passed a Burger King when I first arrived at Concourse E (my new forever home), I knew that I HAD TO HAVE IT. I even told this to the man on my left, who I learned was an industrial chemical salesman on his way to a convention in Orlando, or: the lamest-sounding convention of all time. He seemed unfazed by my Halloween Whopper enthusiasm, which I suspect is because it is filled with the same chemicals he sells, but like, whatever. I finished my beer and began my mission.
Once I got to the Burger King, I saw that they DID in fact possess the black bunned beauty, and I ordered the hell out of it. “Do you want cheese?” the cashier foolishly asked me. “What do you mean? YES, OBVIOUSLY I WANT CHEESE, SIR.” I waited for my order, which was being roughly assembled by the grill cook. “Are you sure you want to eat this?” he said. “Because I can’t stand how it smells, and already we have had two people complain that it turned their mouths black.” I filled him in that I was doing this for masochistic science, and also because I had never heard of a burger more in my wheelhouse aesthetically, so “YES, I AM SURE THAT I WANT TO EAT THIS.” (We also became best friends, and he told me all about how he writes crossover fan fiction about anime. Being drunk in places is pretty cool.)
With the burger finally in my possession, I went off to find a secluded corner to photograph and eat it. Seeing as there was nowhere to be alone, I finally settled on a spot by the window next to a woman in a wheelchair wearing a red windbreaker that read “JESUS” across the back. (She seemed like she would be totally cool with my demonic burger selection.)
First impressions upon unwrapping: 1. did not look like the commercial (#DEFLATEGATE2015, THE BURGER EDITION) and 2. smelled like a winning combination of chemicals and steak sauce. I hoped that it would not waft in the direction of anyone hot, thus alerting them to the potentially off-putting scene that was me shoveling a black burger into my face. I also realized that 1. I had never had a Whopper before, because the sauce disgusts me, 2. the cold I had developed over the weekend could be inhibiting my sensory gauges, and 3. I was kind of drunk, but 4. who cared? NOT ME! And with that, I took a big bite out of the $6.50 burger.
AND IT WAS GOOD! I feel like a terrible human for saying that, but like, it’s the honest to god truth! It was smoky and tangy from the steak sauce, had that BK grilled taste, and (perhaps more importantly) did not taste like a freakish, Satanic sesame seed bun was holding it all together! I would totally order it again, even while sober! And I hate myself for it!
You may be wondering if I died or anything fun like that after consuming the Halloween Whopper; not only did it not turn my mouth black (although I did need to do a mirror check and get a little bit of debris out of my teeth), but (so far) it has not altered the color of any other body parts or bodily functions, which I’ve heard is commonplace after ingestion. I also read some online reviews of the burger which are scathing, and maybe I am crazy and/or disgusting and/or my senses were all super fucked due to the trifecta of factors listed above, but I repeat, this burger was hella good if you can get past the fact that it looks #REALGROSS. Like, I am going to get it again and live with only mild sad girl regret afterwards, you guys. I mean it. I stand with the Halloween Whopper. And you can totally quote me on that, but also will assume no responsibility if you find yourself with unfavorable results at any point during or after consumption.