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Yesterday was the first time I did anything social all weekend long. The rest of the time was spent making up lies about why I couldn’t hang out with people, mostly because sitting on my couch watching YouTube sounded more appealing than interacting with my human friends. That’s not to say I didn’t cross paths with anybody for 48 hours, because I did. Examples:

  1. The time I bought a 24oz Coors from the deli below my apartment, and the guy behind the counter who I suspect is in love with me said “Stay safe!” and I said “Okay,” even though he is not the boss of me,
  2. The time I bought a package of vegetarian corn dogs and a bottle of spicy brown mustard from Trader Joe’s and the cashier asked me if I wanted a bag and I said that I did not,
  3. AND FINALLY, the time that I bought a chicken McGriddle from McDonald’s, which I am going to tell you about in great detail starting right now!

It all started when I was walking to Williamsburg on Saturday listening to DJ Snake’s “Let Me Love You” ft. Justin Bieber on repeat and saw a poster advertising chicken McGriddles at the Marcy Avenue McDonald’s. “CHICKEN AND WAFFLES TASTE!” the sign said, which was kind of weird considering McGriddles are more akin to pancakes than waffles, but also who even cares.

I had never eaten a McGriddle before, mostly because I once threw up a sausage McMuffin on the way to a soccer game when I was in the fourth grade and was forced to add it to my collection of blacklisted foods, which also includes strawberry Nesquik, creme de menthe parfaits and cotton candy. But now that chicken was an option, maybe I could reconsider my stance on ye olde McGriddles line.

I wasn’t really hungry at that exact moment, so I just went about my day. On the way back to Bushwick, though, I started thinking about the chicken McGriddle again, and the next thing I knew I was standing in line to get one at the McDonald’s on Broadway.

I couldn’t see it listed on the all-day breakfast menu (there was just the sausage McGriddle), so when it was my turn to order I asked if the chicken McGriddle was only available at the Williamsburg McDonald’s. Fortunately they had it here, too, and it would only set me back $2, which I thought was reasonable enough.

“It’s going to take three minutes, though,” the cashier said with a look that implied this might be a deal breaker. Who even has time to wait around for a hundred and eighty seconds, anyway? Certainly not me, a purchaser of the all-day breakfast menu at 4pm when clearly I had other better things to do. (I told her that it was fine.)

Lo and behold not even a full minute elapsed and my order was ready. (They must have sensed my societal value and sped up the production process so that I could go forth and change the world or whatever.) And so I went back to my apartment, got a plate (because I can be civilized if I want to goddammit) and got eatin’.

As predicted, it smelled very maple syrupy. The slab of breaded chicken was shaped like a heart (as if to detract from the fact that its origins were questionable at best) and was nestled between two glorified pancakes. I took a bite. It was good. More specifically, the chicken was a bit spicy, which I thought worked well with the sweetness of the maple syrup. It was indeed a chicken and waffles experience minus the actual waffles (but again, who really cares), and while it was kind of one-note texture-wise (I could’ve gone for a bit more crunch, but what can you do) it was, on the whole, pretty enjoyable. (I also added ketchup to the final few bites, which I feel like some people will think is disgusting, but I thought it was pretty tight.)

I don’t know how long the chicken McGriddle has been available nationwide, but I know they’d been testing it out earlier this year in select locations. It’s apparently a menu item that will only be available until April 26th, though (which is probably a good thing since I would likely eat it again), so if you want to get in on the chicken and waffles without waffles taste, then you’d better get a move on.

In closing, I hope you have been thoroughly depressed and inspired by this review in which I have outed myself as a person who favors eating sad things by myself to fostering meaningful relationships! See you next time!