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I bet a lot of you ate a lot of really great Thanksgiving food last week. You might’ve gotten into political arguments with your shithead relatives, but at least there was ample turkey, right?! Well, I am not part of the well-fed tribe. I did not eat Thanksgiving dinner this year.

You: “Oh, tight! Were you like, hunger striking because 2017 sucks so hard or something?”
Me: “No, my mom came to visit.”
You: “Wait, what?”

I know. A parental visit should equate to copious amounts of home-cooked and/or restaurant-cooked Thanksgiving bounty being consumed, but you might not have met Maureen. And Maureen is very picky when it comes to these sorts of things, and so when we wound up at a restaurant (THAT SHE PICKED) that she wasn’t super into upon arrival, we just decided to eat the cab fare and nothing else. Don’t get me wrong, we had a fuck ton of appetizers, and I probably crammed about 3/4lb of cocktail shrimp down my gullet before and after the dinner disaster. And we saw a 5:30pm screening of Lady Bird, which was delightful. But I didn’t get any goddamn turkey. No sweet potato casserole. No mashed potatoes. No green beans. No cranberry sauce. NO PIE.

Which is depressing.

But not as depressing as deciding to make up for it by eating Thanksgiving-flavored chips from 7-11, which are, apparently, available for a limited time.

Unlike my last 7-11 jaunt (during which I ordered the worst stuffed “waffle” of all time), this required very little human interaction. I entered, grabbed a bag of the Turkey & Gravy chips and a bag of the Pumpkin Pie chips, paid a grand total of $2.58, and got the fuck out of there to have my crunchy-sad version of a Thanksgiving dinner.

I decided to try the Turkey & Gravy chips first. Seeing as I have not had turkey in two years, it’s difficult to know for sure if my taste buds truly understand the distinction between that and all of the other varieties of poultry. However, I do feel confident that 1. there were definitely poultry vibes happening, and 2. the gravy was very apparent in the flavoring. I thought it was a good effort, all things considered, but they are incredibly salty, and probably not something I would choose to purchase with my own money again.

That said, the sweetness from the Pumpkin Pie chips balanced out the saltiness from the Turkey & Gravy really nicely. I did think they tasted like pumpkin pie, and the ingredients listed confirmed that, because in addition to pumpkin pie spice, there is actual pumpkin in the recipe. But I was also weirdly getting nostalgic about the gross candied yams and marshmallows my grandma used to bring to our house each year, so I’m not sure if it was just the true Thanksgiving flavor experience coming through both chips that created this phenomenon, or if they didn’t 100% nail the pumpkin pie flavor, or if my palate is broken. Either way, they helped to create a much -needed balance of flavor. While I wouldn’t buy these again of my own volition, either, I do think the two bags are important to be eaten together if you decide to have yourself a sorrow-filled permanently-grounded-astronaut-food type of holiday meal. Maybe listen to “Life On Mars” while you’re eating. That sounds like it would be a thing a sad millennial in a movie might do.

(Just like the first Thanksgiving!)

I would mail my mom some to try for herself, but my sister’s in-laws made her a plate of food which she got to enjoy promptly upon returning to Baltimore. (I will probably just mail her a Christmas card saying “REMEMBER WHEN WE DIDN’T EAT THANKSGIVING BECAUSE YOU?” instead.)

In sum, happy November! Happy Thanksgiving! Okay! See you @ 7-11! Bye!