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Ohhhhh November 8th. How you like to go from sixty to zero! After last year’s horrific unfolding of events, today seemed like THE most appropriate time to do a new Sad Girl Taste Test. So, naturally, I went to 7-11.

My polling spot is around the corner from a 7-11, which is how I even realized that Stuffed Waffles were a thing in the first place. There’s a giant sign in the window advertising them for $2.49 each, right next to the sign that says the store will be open on Thanksgiving Day. (I’m telling you…there has never been a more perfect backdrop for a Sad Girl Taste Test to occur.)

(Cool ingredients list. Cool nutrition facts.)

I had already eaten breakfast yesterday before I voted, so I decided to go back this morning to acquire the 520 calorie behemoth instead. I thought it would just be under a heat lamp or something, but instead I had to ask a cashier to make one for me (read: heat up a McDonald’s apple pie-looking box) in the oven, which was even more depressing than I’d originally anticipated. Here is a transcript of our interaction:

Me: “Hi, do you guys have those waffle things?”

Cashier: “Yes, do you want me to heat one up?”

Me: “…sighs…yeah, I guess so.”

Cashier: “Okay, it’ll be a minute. That comes to $2.71 with tax.”

When I got the Stuffed Waffle home, it immediately filled my apartment with the scent of artificial maple syrup. I removed it from its package to find a more sad-looking version of the picture on the box, but it was accurately Hot Pocket-esque in size. The first thing I noticed was that this was not a waffle – this was a weird pancake-biscuit hybrid with grooves. It was crispy on top and soggy on the bottom. I automatically felt a little catfished.

Inside there was a neat stack of 1. a processed sausage patty, 2. a fake-looking egg and 3. nondescript, partially-melted orange cheese. The maple syrup smell was overpowering.

I didn’t really feel like taking a bite, but guess what? I did anyway, because I hate myself! And as any normal adult human might’ve been able to tell you without entering a 7-11, it was not good. There were lots of different artificial flavors happening, but none of them melded. The syrup taste was sickeningly sweet, the soggy bottom was reminiscent of an under-cooked pancake, the sausage was a little spicy but mostly kind of sour-tasting (?), the egg tasted like what my farts will probably smell like later, and the cheese…the cheese was maybe the worst part, if only because it brought an unwelcome flashback to my senior year of college, when a drunk girl projectile-vomited the entire contents of her stomach (aka purple crack juice and about a tray’s worth of partially-digested cheese cubes, which she had been steadily eating in a corner by herself all night long) all over our living room floor, which caused a chain reaction of dry-heaving from everyone else at the party, and basically our apartment smelled like fermented mac ‘n cheese for two weeks afterwards. THAT was what the cheese brought to the table in this Stuffed Waffle equation, and I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

Calories aside, everything about the Stuffed Waffle is terrible – the taste, the texture…there are virtually no redeeming qualities. In short, don’t fucking eat this! Go get a McGriddle if you’re so hellbent on cramming syrup flavor into an on-the-go breakfast! Also, why do I continue to do this to myself! Also, don’t eat too much cheese while binge-drinking! Also, when is it 2020! Also, see you next time!