Do you guys know what I smell like right now? I smell like if the Yellow M&M projectile vomited after having too many lagers down at ye olde local British pub. That is because I went ahead and taste-tested six different Cadbury chocolate bars (all with the hilarious names you’d expect from English minds) to decide whether or not we should be panicking about THIS news, aka the fact that Hershey’s is trying to ban the import of Cadbury sweets to America.
Let’s start at the beginning, or: where did I acquire said chocolate bars? This would be at the greatest store of all time, Economy Candy, which is not only home to every confection you could ever think of, but ALSO happens to be the place where Ilana breaks the shit out of her front tooth on a jawbreaker in Broad City:
But today was not about jawbreakers, it was all about the imported candy section, which is filled with a plethora of Ritter Sport, Milka, Kinder and (you guessed it) Cadbury products. I grabbed one of each of the following: Caramello, Dairy Milk Fruit & Nut, Twirl, Crunchie, Flake and Curly Wurly. (I repeat: HILARIOUS NOMENCLATURE.)
And so here are my rankings, from best to worst, followed by some overall conclusions about whether people are right to be upset over the potential loss of Cadbury as an import:
Description: Milk Chocolate w/ Golden Honeycombed Centre
Slogan: “Get that Friday feeling with Crunchie.”
Calories: 185 per bar
I think I liked this one best because it’s least like anything we have in America; the honeycombed center is crunchy and light but not super flaky, and even though I’m not sure my body knew how to respond to the flavor combination (it was legitimately like crispy honey coated in chocolate), it was the best out of the bunch when it came to taste AND texture. (I don’t think I would miss it if it disappeared off shelves, though.)
Description: Milk Chocolate & Creamy Caramel
Calories: 220 per bar
This was good, but even though the chocolate TASTES really good, there is a strange chalky texture that happens as you chew each bite…it dissipates as you go on, but it’s definitely not a clean-feeling experience from start to finish, even with the ultra-smooth caramel involved. If I had to choose between the Hershey’s Caramello and the legitimate Cadbury one, I’d pick Hershey’s hands down.
Name: Dairy Milk Fruit & Nut
Description: N/A (self-explanatory, I guess…)
Calories: 188 per bar
Again, the texture of the chocolate has its ups and downs as you chew it, and the addition of nuts and dried fruit to a chocolate bar isn’t exactly revolutionary. I didn’t HATE eating this, but if I were going to do this for real, I would go with another imported variety like Milka.
Name: Curly Wurly
Slogan: N/A (but with a name like Curly Wurly, who needs one?)
Calories: 115 per bar
This weird toffee situation is most definitely the reason that there’s that stereotype of British people having fucked up teeth…I nearly broke my jaw trying to bite off a piece, and the toffee (while good in taste) was hella difficult to chew. Definitely don’t be sad that this is potentially going away, guys.
Description: Milk Chocolate Fingers (yikes)
Slogan: THE INTENSE CHOCOLATE
Calories: 230 per package (115 per “finger”)
I don’t like any food item being described as “fingers”, but if it tastes good I can generally get past it. And while this didn’t taste bad, the texture was FUCKING TERRIBLE! If by “THE INTENSE CHOCOLATE” you mean “SOMETHING THAT LOOKS KIND OF LIKE TWIX BUT IS FILLED WITH DRY AND FLAKY CHOCOLATE, KIND OF LIKE SUGARY DANDRUFF BARK”, then yes, that is what I ate. (DO NOT WANT.)
Description: The Crumbliest, Flakiest Milk Chocolate!
Calories: 219 per bar
This was BY FAR the worst one. At least with the Twirl bar they tried to disguise the crumbly and flaky portion inside with a smooth coating of chocolate, but here, it literally looks like they chopped off a piece of a dead tree and put it in a candy wrapper. It is messy to eat, it’s dry and chalky until the chocolate melts in your mouth, and basically it just sucks REAL HARD.
CONCLUSIONS: there are two things in this world you should not cry for – 1. Argentina, and 2. the potential Cadbury ban. The textural shortcomings COULD have something to do with the candies being imported and thus maybe not as fresh, but if that can’t be avoided, then why do we want to keep shipping them in from across the pond? Call me back when Ritter Sports get axed, but for now, I will gladly say farewell to these sorry excuses for chocolate bars.