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This is my first “proper” SGTT since the pandemic got serious in the US. (I say “proper” because it involved a trip to a fast food establishment, rather than this semi-cheating review I did of PBR’s new-ish hard seltzer line.)

I’d heard about Taco Bell’s Pineapple Freeze and Pineapple Whip Freeze a few weeks ago, but I kept forgetting to try it since I rarely go outside anymore, and when I do it’s mainly to go grocery shopping.

UNTIL TODAY! I don’t have AC in my apartment (a glutton for pain, one might say!), and I’ve been struggling dot com when we get to the midday/early afternoon time of day. Since I can’t indulge in siesta vibes on a weekday, I’ve been semi-fixing the problem via cold, caffeinated beverages. And for whatever reason, this time a pineapple-shaped light bulb went off in my brain. IT WAS NOW OR NEVER.

So I decided to start an order online via Taco Bell’s website (honest to god, the first time I’ve ever done this) with exactly one Pineapple Whip Freeze in my basket. I got a regular size because I’m not a complete psychopath, and my grand total (with tax) came to $2.17.

Depressing screen shot LOL!

I was immediately alerted that my order was ready to be picked up, which I didn’t really believe, but also, I didn’t have to stray too far from my house (read: literally walked a few doors down to the Taco Bell on my block) in order to acquire ye olde Pineapple Whip Freeze. And so I slapped on a mask and headed on over!

As I suspected, my order was not ready. I do not blame the staff, I blame robots. Anyway, after I explained to them my situation (which took several goes because masks are the great mumble-izer) they got to work, et voila! I had my 210 calorie Pineapple Whip Freeze in my hand-sanitzed clenches! (I’ll also add that my Taco Bell was very sterile-feeling, and also completely devoid of non-staff, because who the hell else is getting Taco Bell at 2:30pm during a pandemic? In case you hadn’t noticed, this is a very, very sad edition of Sad Girl Taste Test.)

Approximately three seconds later I was back in my apartment and (after thoroughly washing and scalding my hands) was ready to give ‘er a go. And can I just say…

Seriously, INCREDIBLE. Like a Slurpee and a pineapple creamsicle had a $2.17 baby. So refreshing! Sweet but also tangy! All of the balance! All of the harmony! Pineapple and vanilla are the heroes we needed!

If I came from a family that had cared enough to ever bring me to any of Disney’s theme parks, I might have some frame of reference re: how this stacks up to the legendary Dole Whip. BUT ALAS.

Maybe it’s for the best? This can be my own Dole Whip. And it can also be your own Dole Whip, because let’s face it, pandemic Taco Bell is a hell of a lot less risky than goddamn pandemic Disney.

In sum, thank you Taco Bell. I can’t say this will be a part of my daily routine since I’m still trying to be extra-cautious, but would 10/10 be in trouble were we not at the mercy of a fucking virus.