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Oh hey, welcome back to another round of Sad Girl Taste Test! I’m your host, Megan Burns! I was going to say “It’s been a while!” but it truly has not – we were here exactly a month ago when I tried McDonald’s entire new international menu and was UNIMPRESSED. So what brings us back today? A little thing called KFC’s Cheetos Sandwich, that’s what!

Let’s rewind to the moment I first noticed that KFC even HAD a Cheetos Chicken Sandwich, aka when I was being the best version of myself – watching hours upon hours of TV sans pants – and this commercial came on:

Now, listen, I REALLY try to avoid eating meat these days, but I mean…my morals were DOA with this one, right? I mean, I obviously had to try it. I fucking love Cheetos. I fucking love sadness. My fate was sealed dot com. The only question was, when could I get my hands on one of these things? ‘Cause I’m gonna be real honest with y’all, ya gurl has been strugglin’ with some KNEE INJURIES (you can look at what I mean but I’m gonna warn you it’s real gross and if you hate that sort of thing then DO NOT CLICK HERE) after I ate shit on Pride weekend (as one does), and since I’m babysitting a friend’s dog in Clinton Hill while she’s out of town, it’s not like I could just quickly and conveniently hobble around the corner to any ol’ KFC location. (UGH.) 

I briefly considered getting it delivered, but after reading some dismal reviews on Seamless (to be fair, who can blame the delivery guy for not giving a fuck), and after realizing that none of the food courier apps were up to date enough to include the limited-time-only Cheetos Sandwich, I just succumbed to the fact that I was going to have to do that thing people used to do before the internet – wait.

Fortunately I was motivated to rest the shit out of my leg (borderline Rear Window-style) for 48 hours on Monday and Tuesday because I knew I wanted to scope out the ticker tape parade for the USWNT on Wednesday morning. The R&R paid off, ‘cause I felt well enough to catch all the garbage confetti glory in Manhattan and then snag some KFC in Bed-Stuy on my way back to my friend’s apartment, which is, I am sure, exactly what Megan Rapinoe had in mind when she said “We have to be better!”

And so here I found myself inside KFC, waiting for the man in front of me to try to explain that he wanted a cup of water, not a bottle of water. After I ordered, I scrolled through Facebook to pass the time and immediately came across my friend Stef’s post about NONE OTHER THAN THE CHEETOS SANDWICH! The review was good (descriptors like “mind-blowing” and “top ten best thing I’ve ever eaten” were used), and since I consider Stef a credible source, I felt slightly more optimistic about the $5.22 I’d just spent.

Once the order was up, I hobbled on back about twenty minutes to my friend’s to tuck into this orange monstrosity, which came wrapped like a normal fast food sandwich, but weirdly was also placed inside a Chester Cheetah box like a sadder, more calorie-laden (though surprisingly just 560 calories // I thought it’d be way more) matryoshka doll. I assume the box was there in case any of the Cheetos sauce seeped out, which, upon unwrapping the sandwich and seeing the nuclear-grade residue, seemed highly plausible:

Other than the sludge stain, the sandwich looked surprisingly better than expected. I mean, it wasn’t PERFECT, but it wasn’t so far off from the advertisements re: full-bodiedness. 

In terms of contents, there was the standard-looking bun, plus a crispy chicken tender covered in the aforementioned Day-Glo Cheetos sauce sitting atop a layer of about four Crispy Cheetos and a slathering of mayo, which almost looked like more cheese. (I am not a mayo fan, so I wasn’t especially stoked on that part, but I realized I needed to get the full experience.)

AND NOW FOR THE EATING PART! Biting into the sandwich I was VERY pleasantly surprised at how crispy it was. Not just the chicken, but also the Cheetos, which I was positive would sog out on the walk back to my friend’s apartment. Not so! But crunchiness aside, holy fucking wow, THE FLAVOR! THE FLAVOR! THE FLAVOR! Like, it is with SUCH a heavy heart that I have to tell you it was INCREDIBLE. It’s honestly like getting punched in the mouth by a Cheeto. No joke. Combined with the chicken seasoning (which is white people spicy, aka has a mild kick but won’t blow any non-annoying person’s head off), it was like a processed food party in my skull! SO GOOD!

“But what about that goddamn mayo, Megan?” Well, on the one hand, I’m happy to report that I barely noticed it, but on the other…I barely noticed it? So maybe it shouldn’t have been there? I don’t feel the sandwich was spicy enough to merit the need for it. I don’t feel like it hurt the sandwich, necessarily, but if they’d used any more it could’ve tipped the scales in way-too-fucking-greasy category. Anyway, if you hate mayo, I don’t think you’ll be fucking up the magic equation by leaving it out, and if you do like mayo…well, don’t call me up.

Part of me feels like a slice of tomato or maybe some lettuce could’ve been beneficial in terms of adding a bit of refreshment to what is a very heavy, very cheesy situation, but also, this is honestly the nearest to perfect fast food Frankenstein I have ever eaten. Yeah, I fucking said it, you guys. And so I don’t want to mess with it by adding anything else. She’s beautiful the way she is. 

Will I be back to order another? Probably not unless I get super hammered, because, like I said, I’m trying to limit my meat consumption, minus super scientific cases like these. But will I dream about it forever? YES! Somebody please come up with a tofu version, ‘cause that Cheetos sauce SLAPS. Definitely would recommend, and I hope they keep it on as a regular menu item. Well done, KFC. (Words I honestly never thought I’d say.)