I live on what I like to refer to as the Boulevard of Broken Dreams in Brooklyn; to the left of my apartment is a drug front that masquerades as an ice cream shop, and to the right we have a dollar pizza place, an IHOP and (conveniently) a Taco Bell. Now, let’s be real, guys…there is nothing sadder than Taco Bell. Legitimately everyone is sad inside of Taco Bells around the world, and if it ever appears otherwise, it’s because the happy-looking people are hammered. And so it made me EXTRA sad to have decided to taste-test the new, limited-time-only Crunchwrap Sliders on 11am this rainy Monday, but that is exactly what I did.
When I walked inside the Taco Bell, there were a handful of quiet lonely people sitting in the booths at the front, and obviously everyone looked sad because they WERE sad. There was one man who was using his phone as a speaker to play house music loudly as he ate. (I appreciated his attempts to elevate his dining experience.)
Once I got to the counter, I stated that I would like one of each of the Crunchwrap Sliders ($1.49 each) and also a coffee, which, when it arrived, had a hint of Mountain Dew taste, and it was weird but also not unexpected. While I waited for the food, a Chinese lady came over and tried to sell me some bootleg DVDs. (I said no thanks because DVDs are relics of the past, and she went back to her booth to continue looking sad.)
When my food was ready I grabbed it like a troll and went back to my apartment for the official taste-test, which went as follows:
First, let’s discuss the appearance of the Sliders. They are far too large. I haven’t eaten a regular Crunchwrap in a long time, but I feel like these aren’t that much smaller than those. A slider should be palm-sized. These are my-whole-hand-sized:
And now for the actual taste results:
I feel like this one was supposed to be really bad, but I think I liked it the best (which is still not saying much) out of all three of the Crunchwrap Slider varieties I tasted. The chicken (while nowhere near threateningly spicy) DID have a nice kick, which (I think) was lent from the chipotle sauce. It was, however, pretty one-dimensional when it came to the actual texture, because for some reason they only threw in like two Frito chips. I mean, c’mon, guys…don’t make me call into question the “CRUNCH” part of Crunchwrap…
For some reason, this was the only Crunchwrap Slider that didn’t get cold within the span of five seconds. In fact, it stayed alarmingly warm despite the fact that I taste-tested it last, and it remained the same temperature throughout the entire “meal”. (If I ever gain Taco Bell mutant super powers, you will know that it is because I ate this.) Temperature aside, however, without lettuce or tomatoes or sour cream etc., the flavor emphasis was very much on the nacho cheese sauce, which tasted like somebody barfed up a bowl of macaroni and cheese. The crunch from the Fritos was not enough to offset the mushiness of the beef and the cheese together, so this is going to get a giant DO NOT EAT THIS non-approval rating from me.
And now for Taco Bell’s I’M TRYNA GET FANCY Crunchwrap Slider, aka the “BLT”. I wouldn’t have minded this one so much had it not been for the avocado ranch sauce (maybe I’m just a big old loser for my aversion to ranch dressing, but it was unevenly dispersed, leaving a minefield of goo in its wake), HOWEVER, it was otherwise pretty bearable. I liked that there was detectable lettuce and tomato in this one, and the bacon (while in bit form) wasn’t as bad as I expected.
Overall, the lesson that I learned from eating these things is that they should probably not be eaten ever. If you are drunk and find yourself inside of a Taco Bell, just order the regular Crunchwrap, because calories and money don’t count when you’re intoxicated.