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I honestly don’t know that it gets much sadder than this sad girl taste-test, you guys; I usually am hungover when choosing fast food novelties to review for your (hopeful) enjoyment, but in this particular instance I was hammered AF, fresh off walking back to Bushwick from a screening of HBO’s Westworld at Metrograph on the Lower East Side last night which TRIPPED ME THE FUCK OUT (note: consuming multiple IPAs beforehand was probably not a great idea…) due to its essentially existential crisis inducing plot. (See also: have you ever cried on the Williamsburg Bridge in the rain? Cool, me neither!)

So then I got back to my familiar surroundings and (now that I’ve been trying to eat a mostly plant-based diet when possible) I finally decided listen to that whisper of “HI MAYBE GET A CHEESEBURGER SOON” that’s been nagging me in the back of my mind for the last week or so, and I went for the LOWEST common denominator and ordered fourteen dollars of food from the Burger King that is located by my apartment! Did I order a double cheeseburger? Yes. Did I order a Whopperito? Yes. Did I order onion rings? YES. Did I order Cheetos CHICKEN FRIES?! Also yes.

I should also note that I was the only human inside of the restaurant at this time (9:30pm-ish?), and the woman still said, “Are you order 52?” to which I had to reply “I mean…yes, I am literally the only person here.” And so she handed me the bag ‘o food and I took it back to my apartment, and here is what I thought of that in real time:

  1. Wow, I am home p. early, guess I should eat all of this EXCEPT for the chicken fries so that I can review them with a clear head tomorrow! In the meantime, I will be gross and stuff my face with processed meats whilst watching beauty tutorials on YouTube which I will never use!
  2. *FALLS ASLEEP*
  3. Wow, I am mega-hungover at 3:38am! Glad I ate all of the BK except for the now-soggy chicken fries! Slash I need to pump myself up to go to the deli for filtered water and sports drinks STAT!
  4. Wow, my deli guy just said, “You are have a good night? A good morning?” (NEITHER, CLEARLY.)
  5. Wow, I just pounded that industrial size orange Gatorade so hard!
  6. I’m gonna watch a lot of YouTube videos and regret all of my life choices last night!
  7. Wow, what is the afterlife? Does it even exist?
  8. *PANICS*
  9. *EATS THE SOGGY CHICKEN FRIES*
  10. *CANNOT TASTE THE CHEETOS COMPONENT*
  11. *REMEMBERS BEING IN HIGH SCHOOL AND DRIVING BACK FROM A BEACH VACATION WITH COUSINS WHERE WE GOT STUCK IN TRAFFIC AND THE AC BROKE AND KATHLEEN KEPT SAYING “I THINK I HAVE A BLOOD CLOT” AND YOU THOUGHT YOU MIGHT PUKE BUT FINALLY YOU GOT TO BURGER KING AND ORDERED CHICKEN FRIES AND THEY WERE P. DELICIOUS*
  12. Anyway, 10/10 would not order again. If you like chicken in stick form then get ’em, but also just probably order the ten nuggets they have for $1.49. (Also watch Westworld if you are emotionally and philosophically stable.)

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