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My Facebook friends have started to do the Sad Girl Taste Test research for me, you guys! (This is how I know I’ve truly made it as a Sad Girl!)

My friend Max tagged me in a recent post about Burger King’s 2018 answer to their 2015 Halloween Whopper, which received lots of media attention for a black sesame seed bun that apparently had horrific effects in the bathroom. I actually tried that burger while intoxicated at the airport in St. Louis, Missouri, which you can read about here. (No, it didn’t turn my insides black, and yes I felt unsettled by that. I can only assume the darkness was directly absorbed by my soul.)

The Nightmare King, as it’s ghoulishly named, has replaced the black bun with a green one instead. It also triples down on the meat – in addition to a flame-grilled beef patty, there’s also a fried chicken cutlet and strips of bacon piled on – and American cheese, onions and mayo act as the minimalist toppings.

As someone who’s been increasingly eating plant-based foods, this sounded nightmarish less for the green bun than for the heavy presence of meat and dairy. I put off trying it until yesterday, when I decided I may as well lean in full force to the Sunday Scaries.

I made my way to Burger King around noon, and even though that’s peak lunch hour, I am always surprised when there is a line to order. I mean, it’s BURGER KING. Surely we can do better, Brooklyn. The line was moving swiftly until the woman in front of me stepped up to order. She didn’t speak English, and the cashier didn’t speak Spanish, so there was a lot to unpack re: whether or not she wanted chicken tenders or chicken nuggets, how many pieces she wanted, whether or not she wanted fries, etc. As someone who does speak Spanish, I eventually stepped in to help translate. (I honestly never thought I would be using by college degree to explain the difference between chicken tenders and chicken nuggets to someone inside of a fast food establishment, but The King works in mysterious ways.) After a ten minute ordeal, the woman ended up ordering six ten-piece nuggets. (A hefty dose, but at $1 per pack, highly economical.)

And next was yours truly, a thirty-year-old woman stepping up to the plate to order a green hamburger. What a great look LOL!

I asked for no mayo because I FUCKING HATE MAYO, YOU GUYS, AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS IT, but in retrospect, I should have asked for a side of ketchup or BBQ sauce or SOMETHING. We’ll talk more about that momentarily.

I brought the fairly heavy $7 sandwich back to my lair and began to inspect it. First of all, v. disappointing shade of green on that bun. In fact, some of the normal brown color was seeping through. What is this, a CAMOUFLAGE KING? No, it’s a NIGHTMARE KING. Get your green right, BK. Expectations vs. reality:

And then there were the sad-looking innards, with the fried chicken (aka giant chicken nugget) looking the most robust out of the bunch. The burger patty was expectedly thin ‘n flimsy, and the bacon was REAL MEH, too. The only thing left to do was take a bite, and so that’s what ya gurl did.

And it was dry. So, so dry. I know some of you are going, “WELL WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?! YOU DELETED THE MAYONNAISE!” I know, I know, but honestly, mayo was not what this would have needed. With such a heavy assortment of meat and cheese and grease, I don’t want MAYO (I mean, I don’t want mayo anyway, but I especially don’t want something creamy), I want the aforementioned BBQ sauce or ketchup or TONKATSU SAUCE or SOMETHING. It needed some sort of tang to lift it out of the depths of the cholesterol-laden desert of despair, but alas.

Aside from the lack of sauce, and not factoring in the salt bomb issue, the taste was (more or less) okay. Would I ever choose to order it again? Probably not. I don’t care what anyone says, eating a chicken a pig AND a cow in one bite is a mind fuck. Like, not even from an “I feel bad for eating a barnyard” perspective, but more from like, a “Why are you eating this much meat DO YOU WANT TO DIE and also what sound do you think this is making in my stomach is it like a MOO’OINK’LUCK or a CLU’OO’INK?”

Also, the bun didn’t taste any different than normal. Missed opportunity for like, matcha or kale or some other gimmicky bullshit, BK.

But I know what you’re all REALLY thinking, and that is, “DID IT TURN YOUR INSIDES GREEN?!” And the answer, just like with the Halloween Whopper, is no, no it did not. I tend to wear all black at all times, so maybe this go-round my body was like, “QUICK, ABSORB ANY/ALL COLORS! WE WILL NEVER GET THIS CHANCE AGAIN!” (Or maybe I’m just some weird mutant, who knows!)

Bottom line is that this sandwich is allegedly 1020 calories (with mayo, so probably slightly less in my version), is honestly not that interesting or tasty, and is $7. That, to me, that is a pretty dumb way to spend your money and daily food allowance. And I ate it so you don’t have to. (So don’t.)

HAPPY HALLOWGREEN, YOU GUYS.

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