Here we are again, you guys! Another edition of me cramming unnatural foodstuffs into my digestive system for your Internet-enjoyment! Being alive is cool! Speaking of which, I feel like I’m maybe dying! Thank you, Angriest Whopper!
To backtrack for a moment, you may be familiar with the last time I decided to eat one of Burger King’s weird Whopper riffs via the Halloween edition, which involved a black bun that apparently had A1 (and sadness!) baked right in; many consumers complained that it turned their insides green or whatever, but that didn’t happen to me because my bloodstream is one-third high-fructose corn syrup, and I am immune to all processed food side effects. (At least so far…) Anyway, I actually enjoyed the burger (partially because I was mildly intoxicated at the airport in St. Louis and waiting to die), and so I walked into the latest Whopper challenge (a challenge given to me, by me) feeling like it couldn’t be too terrible.
I would like to reiterate the depressing factor by saying that when I walked into Burger King to purchase the Angriest Whopper, the clock read exactly 10:32am. There was a long line of sad-looking men waiting to order, the saddest one of all being the guy who got denied breakfast because he had just missed the cutoff. (He actually hung his head in sorrow and shuffled away in slump-shouldered despair when he found out the bad news.) While all of this was happening, “Roam” by The B-52’s was blaring overhead. (I hope the afterlife will not be like that.) Things began to brighten up as I waited for my food to arrive, though, because Selena Gomez & The Scene’s “Round & Round” began to play, and everyone with a brain knows that Selena Gomez is an omen for great fortune! (Or at least is an omen that The B-52’s are no longer audible.) Shortly thereafter I grabbed the bag o’ grease and hurried back to my lair to eat the contents like a cute, non-hideous troll!
Before we get into the tasting, you may be wondering what, specifically, this creation claims to entail; WELL, the bun is bright red this time around, and it alleges to have hot sauce baked in. (They don’t specify which kind of hot sauce, though…like, what are you, BK? Team Cholula? Team Tapatio? Team Frank’s Red Hot? TELL US THE ANSWER!) In addition to the novelty bread, there’s also a single beef patty, thick-cut bacon, American cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, jalapenos, “angry onion petals” (whatever the fuck that means), “angry sauce” (some kind of spicy BBQ ketchup hybrid I guess) and my arch nemesis, motherfucking mayonnaise. I wasn’t especially excited about ingesting the latter ingredient (because it is fucking disgusting and if you like it you are also fucking disgusting), but I felt that in order to preserve the integrity of this taste-test (the integrity which I decided it totally had) I went ahead and rolled with it.
ONE BITE IN AND ALREADY FEELIN’ ANGRIER LOL!
Looks-wise, it definitely didn’t match the poster, but it was admittedly heftier than I thought it might be IRL. The bun, meanwhile, was not AS bright red as we’re led to believe, but I mean, I refuse to get hung up on the aesthetic value of something called “Angriest Whopper”.
So did it taste angry? I mean, yeah, it was pretty spicy, I’ll give it that, but it’s not like…THE spiciest thing of all time. (Like, it wasn’t Marissa Cooper-level angry, you know what I’m saying?) I got almost zero heat from the bun, and I think the majority of the kick came from the jalapenos. Like, have you ever eaten a bag of jalapeno chips? It’s that level of heat. (So basically, not at all intimidating.) Now, before you guys go ordering this and report back to me like, “MEGAN IT WAS SO SPICY // LIKE JUSTIN BIEBER SAYS, WHAT DO U MEAN?!” I’m just going to go ahead and pose the following question: why in the fuck would you order something that is even remotely marketed as being spicy IF YOU DON’T LIKE SPICY FOODS?! Anytime I hear people complaining about how spicy things are, I’m like, you basically brought this on yourself and I am not going to feel bad for you. (Whoa, maybe the Angriest Whopper does induce anger!)
Other than that, it tasted like a pretty normal burger…I liked the addition of the bacon for some texture and smokiness, and the aforementioned jalapenos were dope. (The onion petals were just kind of “meh”.)
Did I eat the whole thing? Yeah, I did (because I am BROKE AF AND I CAN’T AFFORD TO WASTE THINGS FOR THE NEXT MONTH, THANKS IRS), though by the final few bites I was feeling like maybe I didn’t want to do that anymore // it had cooled off and like, I was noticing the mayonnaise more and more, and also I was just really, really full. (I don’t know why you would choose to eat this before doing anything even slightly active, but if for some reason you did, you would not be able to move for a TBD amount of time. Just FYI.)
Will I be buying it again? Like, no, I won’t, because I only go to Burger King to write dumb stuff like this, and also it cost $5.69 plus tax…I mean, do you even know how many plantains I could buy for $5.69? (22 plantains, you guys. 22! PS I repeat I am impoverished and all I eat are plantains prepared in various styles.) Now, if someone gave it to me for free I would probably eat it, although maybe I would stop after half, and I would also probably be like NOT TODAY, MAYONNAISE, YOU GODDAMN SONOFABITCH. It’s also 830 calories, which is not a small amount of calories. So if that is a thing that matters to you, you should probably avoid this (and like, all fast food chains) forever.
Anyway, I’m very excited to find out what color Angriest Whopper turns everyone’s insides this time around, but for now, thanks for coming on another depressing culinary journey with me! UNTIL NEXT TIME!