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WHEREIN: We bring you the developments (happening in and around D.C.) that we think are newsworthy, or, at the very least, almost newsworthy:

  • Patriot / Comrade Ovechkin wants to steal the Stanley Cup and take it to Moscow. (via CNN)

  • Our new leader confirms that Russian prostitutes are indeed the best in the world. (via Vox)
  • Is there a secret occult message hidden in the Nutcracker? The people in Novosibirsk want to know! (via BBC)
  • Did our good friends in Russia hack the Sherlock finale? Who can say! (via NBC)

  • In more serious news, our new Russian leaders are looking to decriminalize some forms of domestic violence. 2017 really us going to be great. (via CNN)
  • Back to fun news! A Russian billionaire hired both Elton John and Mariah Carey to perform at his granddaughter’s wedding in London. That sounds nice. (via Yahoo)

  • Are lots of your friends and loved ones dying suddenly? Try this Russian ‘Uber for funerals’ app called Umer. (via The Next Web)
  • A Russian metal company is making fun new coins with our leaders face on them. (via CBS)