The Lion King, Mary Poppins, The Wizard of Oz. Yes, there’s nothing like the timelessness of a classic children’s movie to transport you back to a simpler time in your life and really give you the warm fuzzies. These are not those movies. Here is a collection of the best bench warmers and third stringers available now on Netflix for your next family movie night.
…well sometimes it’s necessary.
10. Romeo & Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss (2006)
Netflix description: This animated retelling of Shakespeare’s tale finds two star-crossed seals falling deeply in love despite the objections of their warring parents.
My description after watching the trailer: The classic tragedy reimagined for kids as not even The Bard himself could have seen it: with animated seals! The makers of this movie know how this story ends, right?
9. VeggieTales: Sweetpea Beauty (2010)
Netflix Description: In this VeggieTales take on happy endings, a jealous queen sets her sights on a ravishing rhubarb who’s the prettiest in the land.
My description after watching the trailer: So, I’m sadly not intimately familiar with the works of the Veggie Tales films, but they evidently have a religious god-centric theme to them as the full title of this movie suggests: VeggieTales: Sweetpea Beauty: A Girl After God’s Own Heart. That aside, this trailer is insane. It’s basically a rehash of Snow White, but with vegetables and there is an entire song break for a song just called “Pants” and a live action singer who is possibly an aging country/Christian rock songstress.
8. Secret of the Wings (2012)
Netflix description: When a mysterious force draws Tinker Bell into the unknown world of the Winter Woods, she discovers a secret that will change her life forever.
My description after watching the trailer: Two sisters who’ve lived mostly separate lives discover each other. One of the sisters has ice powers and an ice castle and they have to stop the magic of perpetual winter from taking over the land for good. Sound familiar? Yeah this is basically just a shitty version of Frozen though sadly it came before it so it would appear that Frozen is a rip off of Secret of the Wings. Well this is awkward…
7. The Adventures of Mickey Matson and the Copperhead Treasure (2012)
Netflix description: A teen and his friends set off in search of three magic objects that could alter the Civil War’s outcome if they fall into the hands of an evil cabal.
My description after watching the trailer: After Christopher Lloyd dies he bequeaths an ancient rock map to his grandson in hopes that he will follow the clues to some sort of treasure or to unlock the secrets of alchemy or something. There’s a dirty pirate biker gang and giant Jewish star time machine that turns object into silver.
Netflix description: The Samurai Rangers get stuck in the Megazord’s cockpit on Christmas Eve when it breaks down. Can the Rangers get out in time for Christmas?
My description after watching the trailer: Confirming my suspicions growing up that none of my favorite mighty morphin’ friends were Jewish, this film is the Christmas special that proves it. It’s the classic car breaks down and our protagonists have to make it back home in time for the holiday story arc. But replace car with Megazord.
5. Ghost Cat (2003)
Netflix description: When a widower and his teen daughter move into a house once owned by a now-deceased cat-lover, their arrival is marked by a series of bizarre events.
My description after watching the trailer: A cat named Margaret is basically a feline Damien whose clairvoyance and wrath seems to cause objects to fall and people to get into horrible accidents. Also Margaret somehow helps a young Ellen Page through the difficulty of her mother’s death while also helping her fall in love with the local hot guy about town. Meeeeow!
4. Nico the Unicorn (1998)
Netflix Description: A 12-year-old disabled boy, whose father recently passed away, has his life changed when the pony he rescues gives birth to a unicorn.
My description after watching the trailer: A single mother. Her slightly handicapped son. A $20 unicorn. MAGICAL BARGAIN ADVENTURES! Bonus points to young Elisha Cuthbert and Kevin Zegers of Air Bud and brief Gossip Girl sauciness fame.
3. The Adventures of Food Boy (2008)
Netflix description: Gifted with the power to make food appear, a teenage boy must decide whether to give up his gift and live a normal life or use his power for good.
My description after watching the trailer: Apart from wasting a tremendous amount of food in the making of this movie, a boy finds out that he’s a giant human vending machine of basically whatever food items. What’s worse is that it’s hereditary, apparently, and his mother knew about the family “gift” all along and just never decided to mention it until her son had toast growing out of his palms. Somehow this ability takes him from being the weird nerdy kid in school to the popular one.
2. The Adventures of Galgameth (1996)
Netflix description: After a treacherous knight seizes control of the kingdom, a young prince magically unleashes a dragon-like creature who helps him reclaim the crown.
My description after watching the trailer: Baby Sinclair from the TV series Dinosaurs transports back to a medieval village to team up with a young boy and Brienne of Tarth’s predecessor to overthrow a despotic, genocidal king.
1. Teen Beach Movie (2013)
Netflix description: A rogue wave magically transports two teens inside a classic ’60s beach party flick, in which a rivalry between bikers and surfers threatens to erupt.
My description after watching the trailer: So first off Wet Side Story, the movie these two youths teleport into via a giant wave, seems excellent and I would watch it. Teen Beach Movie combines the camp of ’50s era surfer flicks with the raw sexuality of High School Musical that only Disney tween stars can bring. Fuck it, I’d watch this movie too and tell no one.
Just remember to play nice in the sandbox. Bye for now!