Happy birthday to YOU, America! Land of the free. Home of the brave. Baseball, Kate Upton, George Clooney, democracy, fireworks…of course you don’t get to be the world’s super power without making a few mistakes along the way. Thankfully Netflix has aggregated some of Hollywood’s biggest America-centric flops for your viewing pleasure. Watch them. Give them 5 stars. Ruin your queue.
10. God Bless America (2012)
Netflix description: Disgusted with American society, middle-aged Frank and teenage Roxy begin killing reality TV stars, bigots and others they find repugnant.
My description after watching the trailer: “From the people that brought you the NRA and the part time musician/full time evangelical firearm toting nut job Ted Nugent comes a film with the subtlety of sledgehammer glamorizing gun violence and friendships with pedophilia overtones for the whole family.” Just. No.
Editors Note: It’s a good film that you should watch.
9. Mall Cops: Mall of America (2010)
Netflix Description: The Mall of America’s security team is charged with maintaining order and safety at the largest retail space in the United States.
My description after watching the trailer: Ok, there isn’t even a trailer for this program. So included instead is this heart pounding clip of a team of Mall of America mall cops finding, wait for it, a suspicious suitcase. Hold onto your hats for a bonus Sarah Palin cameo!
8. American Milkshake (2013)
Netflix description: White boy Jolie longs to make his high school basketball team so that he can get in with the “in” crowd — the black kids from the projects.
My description after watching the trailer: Even the good folks over at Netflix couldn’t describe this blacksploitation “comedy” without being offensive. A white high schooler wants to fit in with the black kids at school, which he can only accomplish by living in the projects and joining the basketball team. Fucking what even, Hollywood!?
7. Battlefield America (2012)
Netflix description: An arrogant businessman gets involved with a group of aspiring dancers and, in order to impress their mentor, hires a coach to train them.
My description after watching the trailer: Children and their pageant fathers with failed dreams of dance grandeur team up for a, like, Stomp The Yard-esque, dance battle for…something (turf?) but, again, with kids.
6. American Mary (2012)
Netflix description: A medical student who’s piling up debt jumps at the chance when she’s offered a lucrative opportunity to perform extreme body-modification surgeries.
My description after watching the trailer: Bringing actual credence to the “she’s just stripping to put herself through med school” trope, this appears to be a horror movie with no discernible villain. I have a feeling you can count on gratuitous nudity/half nudity and blood. Like Grey’s Anatomy without all of that confusing medical jargon.
5. Secret Life Of The American Teenager (2008)
Netflix Description: This contemporary drama series centers on 15-year-old Amy Juergens, who finds herself facing an unplanned pregnancy after a one-night-stand.
My description after watching the trailer: TV series in which baby Tris from Divergent gets pregnant in high school because she’s the hot new girl and pisses off the hot old news popular girl then has to tell her family about it. The trailer is made all the more ironic in that ABC Family’s tag line is “a new kind of family.” Because nothing says a new kind of family like a surprise teen pregnancy.
4. American Virgins (2012)
Netflix description: Three best friends are in for the greatest night of their lives! Follow Joey and his two buddies as they set out on a crazy hormone-driven adventure to score the woman of Joey’s dreams.
My description after watching the trailer: In keeping with the great American tradition of Movies Depicting Awkward Boys Attempting To Lose Their Virginity For The First Time (a la Superbad and American Pie), American Virgins tries to do the same. Just shittily. This trailer opens with a fart reel. Nuff said.
3. American Courtesans (2013)
Netflix description: Follow 11 sex workers through massage parlors, brothels, strip clubs and New York high-rises in this documentary about their choices and fears.
My description after watching the trailer: I would watch this documentary for sure. It has it all: mommy and daddy issues galore and prostitutes with hearts of gold.
2. American Warships (2012)
Netflix description: Not to be confused with the blockbuster Battleship, the “USS Iowa” fends off an army of invading aliens in this low-budget sci-fi thriller.
My description after watching the trailer: Netflix, in order to manage your expectations, makes sure to let the viewer know that this isn’t, in fact, Battleship. So right off the bat they knew you were looking to not watch this movie. However, from “nuking China and North Korea” to battling extra terrestrials on the high seas, I think this just may have become the movie you were intending to watch.
1. The Running Man (1987)
Netflix description: In a totalitarian future America, cop Ben Richards is framed for a massacre and sentenced to battle for his life on a violent game show.
My description after watching the trailer: Yes, the dystopian future of 2017…either way it remains that one of the most patriotic ways to celebrate America’s birthday is with its favorite Austrian/American actor/politician. Schwarzenegger is future Katniss Everdeen fighting for his life amid the leftover set pieces from Batman Forever. Plus amazing puns.
Until next time, you stay classy, USA.