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The next next next heir to the throne of England was due to enter this world Saturday, July 13th, but as with all good things the newest monarch in the bunch has decided to wait. Can you blame him/her? It’s hot out, even in England. If I was that baby I would take a nap until about October then see what’s up.  After all, this golden child has to sit through the remaining reign of the Queen Mother (she is immortal), Grandpa Charles, and dear old mum and dad. WHAT’S THE HURRY?

Rumors are swirling (what does that even mean, rumors are Sharknado, rumors are ice cream, rumors are a sex move Seinfeld uses during cunnilingus) as to the sex of the baby and what it could mean for the future, basically powerless yet endlessly fascinating, monarchy. Personally I’m hoping for a girl so we can test out these new rules of succession IMMEDIATELY. Historically speaking, most Queens have done much for England. Queen Elizabeth I brought forth the Golden Age, Queen Victoria instituted a modern constitutional monarchy, Queen Elizabeth II is seemingly going to live forever and Queen is just one hell of a great band.


Since the gender of the most fruitful of all wombs remains a mystery we are left to toss around both boy and girl names. The Wales Online did all the work for us by narrowing down a few possibilities. I’ve picked my favorites from this list. God Save The ???

Girl Names


Charlotte is a lovely name, plus she will learn how to really rule England via running an all -female boarding school like Charlotte Rae (aka Mrs. Garrett) did in Facts of Life. England could benefit from this kind of stern hand and will ultimately learn all kinds of lessons about drugs, sex, parental relationships, peer pressure and of course eating disorders.



Oh that Victoria sure does have a lot of secrets and that is ALL I will think about if Victoria is chosen.  She can be Queen of the Overpriced Lingerie That I Do Not Understand How to Wear and Cannot Afford. Of course one must exude a certain amount of power as a member of the monarchy, so perhaps she’ll go the way of the Gotti. This could mean England might end up with cocaine as its major export. SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND, ENGLAND.


England might have to bring back beheadings if Alice becomes its ruler.  That is easy to avoid if you just stay away from white rabbits. Don’t eat or drink anything you find in the world. That’s just common sense. And for God’s sake brush up on your croquet. Get ready for the return of the War of the Roses.

Boy Names


I’m assuming he would be named after England’s most famous George: George Michael. He of the I Want Your Sex fame. England could use a little loosening up, right? I’d like to see a pair of cut off jean shorts on the throne. Avoid those public restrooms, however, and remember: It’s always 5 o’clock shadow somewhere.


Things could get really fucking weird/paranoid in England a la Phillip K. Dick. Make sure you check your memories UK because they might not be your own. DID YOU REALLY TAKE THAT TRIP TO MARS??? Rich folks, hold onto your animals because you’re going to need them, until war renders England and Earth uninhabitable. Wait, is there a tracking device in my head???


England could pull (out) a Kinsey and get in touch with its sexual side, if an Alfred sits on the throne.  It’s time to explore, figure some things out, get weird. Conversely England could get even more tense by adapting a butler style attitude a la Batman’s Alfred.  Of course England would be eternally helpful, able to keep secrets, and will adopt that fatherly style way of dealing with things we (America) loved so much before we fled that country.

It is my sincere hope that Kate and Will go with Diana if it’s a girl, for obvious reasons, and Arthur if it’s a boy because pulling a sword out of a stone was no small feat. I’m anxious to see who the future King/Queen after The Queen Mother…I mean after Prince Charles…I mean after William will be. Let’s do this already. I feel like I’m having a midwife crisis.