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By David Carter

Alec Baldwin stars in an all new episode of Law & Order: SVU!

This episode is called “Criminal Stories”, while its original name supported Alec Baldwin’s true nature, “Law & Order: ABC”. A – Always. B – Be. C- Complaining. Always be complaining.
ALEC BALDWIN COMPLAINING!

This television episode, which plays on television, mobile devices, and computers, nationwide and internationally, forever in syndicated rotation, is part of Alec Baldwin’s Million Step Process to quit show business… apparently. He claims to want to return to the life of an actor without participating in show business, “where you seek only an audience’s approval”. I don’t believe that’s true. I’ve never approved of a Fast & Furious movie, and yet they keep making them. That’s show business!

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Before even watching the episode, I can safely assume that he righteously complains and claims to be misunderstood and/or the victim at some point, aggressively challenges female authority, all the while lashing out at those who perform simple tasks, like asking him questions or taking pictures. Also he has an ambiguous New York accent while he almost always holds a cup.

I smell a drinking game. I’m sure Alec does too. After all, it is a day of the week.

Here are the ABCs of your ABC SVU Drinking Game:

  1. Showboating Narcissism in Large Groups

  2. Playful Misogyny

  3. Some kind of New York accent

  4. Holding a Cup

  5. You pick this one and just keep drinking too.

  6. Bonus Triple Drink: A judge says “I’ll allow it.”

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Alec plays Jimmy Mack, the “last of the great columnists, in his own mind” with two Pulitzers. In the first scene he leads with a misogynistic joke in a large group of mixed company to uproarious laughter. He has an accent. He is holding a cup.

Are you drunk yet? That’s 5 points. (I’ll allow it.)

Jimmy Mack sounds like the evil rival of Dick Tracy. The only thing that could make Alec’s character seem even more broadly stroked and less realistic is if he refers to himself in third pers—oh, nevermind. He’s doing it.

Jimmy Mack is an investigative journalist who goes over the line and invades the private lives of citizens. What?! You mean Alec Baldwin is playing a character that enrages citizens with his asking of questions and taking of pictures?! WHAT A TWIST OF FATE THIS IS! Quickly – someone ask Alanis Morissette if this is ironic! I don’t want it to rain on my wedding day.

A potential sexual hate crime of a Muslim Indian woman by two white men occurred, but a security camera notes a 2 hour discrepancy in the vic’s original police report, and Jimmy Mack is on the case. He releases facts of the investigation to the public and generalizes about the crime. #Journalism?
No one trusts the cops! No one trusts the press! DUN! DUN!
By this point in the episode, it is important to note that Alec Baldwin has already dropped whatever accent he started with. Whatever. Keep drinking.

Clearly Alec’s inner image is a mosaic of all the TMZers, paparazzi, and general media he hates so much. “Maybe you should read the first amendment. I know you don’t like reporters.” Point: Jimmy Mack.
He pours himself a drink. So do you.

Ice T and friend question the assistant of the brother’s boss, who brother to the sister who was reportedly attacked after the benefit, which Kevin Bacon was at. BOOM! SEVEN MOVES! Still works.

Then, two white men in suits enter, “How many times do I have to tell that guy to always be closing?” Point: David Mamet

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The episode continues with the ambiguously New York Jimmy Mack defending that the vic lied due to inconsistencies in her story while in the middle of a large group of extras hired to hold signs and disagree. Drink.

Since the carpet fibers in the boss’s office resembled the carpet fibers under the vic’s nails, we are off to the autopsy box room. Do they match? Yes they match. We are in Act 2 of the episode. Stuff has to keep happening. They get warrants. They get DNA swab samples. Jimmy Baldwin has a whispery voice that resembles a bunch of Alec Mack roles. DUN! DUN!

Olivia Benson suspects Jimmy Mack (who is currently pouring himself a drink, keep up) of being in the pocket of the Kent family, the rich Kent family who just so happens to have a rich white son with a curious carpet, and slandering the identity of the woman who was attacked. And Jimmy Mack will never give up “no matter how long [Olivia] is on her knees”. dRinK.. ugh.

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Hey, look! Its Katie Couric. Fun. Dun. Dun.

The perp(s) change their story and say the rough group sex was consensual, so it’s time for act 3!
Take it to the court!
The defense attorney asks “What about the rug burns you mention? Are they indicative of someone in the throes of ecstasy, let’s say, with two men?”
“Objection!” yells the prosecutor, Phoenix Wright.
“I’ll allow it” returns the judge.
WaS ThERE AnYy DOubT iN YouR MINd ThaT THIS WouldNT HAPPEN? DRINK THREE TIMes!

By this point in the episode, I went blind. How is it possible I have so few spelling errors? I am a very gooh83,sno97zw3+++ist. That’s hwo!

Now congratulations to you. If you are still alive, you are now as drunk as Alec Baldwin was when he left all those drunken private voicemails to his family. You are in a perfect emotional state to put all your expectations of fictional justice on the line. Here come the actual spoilers.

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Olivia calls Jimmy Mack a broken washed up narcissist past his prime who drinks too much.
She may not have known the camera was rolling. Point: Mariska Hargitay.
Before the verdict, Jimmy Mack writes a tell-all about how he was the victim, drink, and led astray by his police source and publisher. He defends that the vic is an actual vic and not a liar.
More than half of the jury reads the editorial.
Mistrial.
Rich family settles out of court to avoid a civil suit.
Flash to Olivia and Jimmy Mack at a bar sharing a drink, drink. Jimmy Mack says his own name a bunch of times and says he burned his paper, his boss, and his credit. He retires. For some reason this validates his assholery in Benson’s eyes.
They get another round. So do we.

But the biggest surprise of all?
The whole time…
The executive producer…
Dick Wolf.

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WHO SAW THAT COMING!?!?

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