By Andrew Bucket & Legba Carrefour
It looks like the PTO will be hitting Snyder where it hurts the most: his wallet, and in canceling the trademark registration of The Redskins, who are one of the most successfully merchandised teams in sports, the PTO has effectively forced the changing of the team’s name.
There will be a huge public discussion which may end up becoming some publicity stunt contest, like when DC changed the Bullets to the Wizards based on a suggestion from some 8th grade nerd.
But before we get into mind numbing arguments about what mascot characterizes our city, let us not forget the most important thing: fuck the Cowboys.
It was a really hacky rivalry, let’s be honest: cowboys and Indians ? But the tradition of the age old beef between Dallas and Washington will live so let’s figure out, without reinforcing any more allegories of genocide, what else cowboys hate.
The Washington Salads
Cowboys hate healthy eating. They like buffalo burgers and horse butts. It’d really tan their hides to get beat by a team in Romane Lettuce colored jerseys, with organic cherry tomato hued helmets.
The Washington Pragmatists
Cowboys are stubborn and not willing to reason, they just dig in their spurs and have a shoot out. If a bunch of open minded, even tempered intellectuals shut them out, oh they’d be pissed.
The Washington Ambramovics
Cowboys hate art in general, but hate performance art more than anything. Sure, not much of a game would happen because the team would be busy staring into each other’s eyes in silence, but the Cowpies would be Yosemite Samming all over the place.
The Washington English Saddles
I dunno how we’d translate this one to a mascot but apparently no self respecting Cowboy rides with an English saddle. Whatever that means.
The Washington Sarcastic Cowboys
We look and dress like Cowboys, but every time we call a play or do the snap count it’ll be in a reeeeeaaall sarcastic tone with dramatic gestures and exaggerated head movements.
The Washington Cracker Cowboys
This was actually a specific kind of cowboy, in Florida (of course). But they were cowboys’ natural enemies, mostly because they rode something called a McClellan Saddle.
The Washington Condos
Cowboys live in open-air spaces. The surest way to bring about their doom is to confine them in an open-floor plan, exposed-ductwork, kitchen islanded, marble toileted, yuppie coffin. Also, you can sell all team merchandise at 80% of the median income of Georgetown and call it affordable housing. The tax windfall alone would off-set the cost of changing the name within a week.
The Washington Prancers
With only a light touch, and legs as light as fairy dust, our team pirouettes to victory.
The Washington Spittoons
I got nothing. Spittoons are pretty funny though.
The Washington Bike Lanes
Did you know that horses can’t be ridden in bike lanes in DC? True story. A new front in the city’s hottest metaphor for gentrification, we can enrage visiting teams by suddenly expanding bike lanes to the entirety of streets.