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Last night the USWNT played against Colombia and came away with a 2-0 win, putting them into the quarterfinals against China this coming Friday. That’s not to say the first half of the match (goalless) was not hella agonizing to watch, nor do I feel particularly great about Pinoe and Cheney being suspended in the next game due to yellow cards; to cope with the stress of the situation, my viewing party (comprised of myself plus two friends, Caroline and Jordan) imbibed and talked through it until the end of the ninety minutes plus stoppage time. I also hit the record button on my phone to document the conversation (which, admittedly, was hazy this morning until I had a proper listen-back) starting at the moment where Carli Lloyd was slated to take a PK in the second half. If you’re by some miracle of god interested in what transpired, READ ON to find out about our intoxicated thoughts re: hairstyles, our combined fear and adoration for Hope Solo and SO MUCH MORE, PROBABLY:

 

J: That bitch BETTER hit this. Who’s taking it? Klingenberg?

M: Lloyd.

C: That vein on her face freaks me out.

M: She’s from New Jersey, it’s not her fault.

*Lloyd takes shot on goal, sinks it.*

Everyone: YASSSSSSSSSS! WOO!

M: Fuck you, Colombia! FUCK. YOU. Alright, we’re through! I mean, basically. You never know for sure, but…look at Solo. Zero fucks given.

C: Did she get a facelift?

M: She just looks like that. She just looks crazy. Okay, now see, I get Becky Sauerbrunn being kept on, because she DOES HER FUCKING JOB. But then it’s like, the forwards who get all the glory don’t actually perform…it’s bullshit. I still can’t believe Wambach missed that PK from earlier. Like, what even the fuck.

C: It’s dumb. It’s so political.

M: Who’d they just put in for Wambach, by the way? The Kid?

J: Morgan Brian.

C: Abby Wambach is Brienne of Tarth.

M: Oh my god, SO TRUE! Like if Brienne of Tarth had a time travel baby with Justin Bieber, that would be Abby Wambach to a T.

C: I say that not only because of her haircut, but also because she always makes the wrong judgment calls. It’s like, CHOOSE THE RIGHT THINGS that you need to…whatever.

M: I’m glad they took Wambach out. I mean, and I get their thought process, too. Like, “Oh, Rapinoe can’t play in the next game, so let’s take out our other star player and conserve her energy now.” But like, Wambach’s not gonna do shit in the next game, I bet you. And you know she’s gonna start, so it’s like…I dunno. Colombia, GO FUCKING HOME.

C: It fucking pisses me off how women are treated in sports.

M: Same. I watched this documentary about the ’99ers, and it’s insane what they had to go through. But like, I do remember being a kid and how much of a craze that whole 1999 World Cup was. I mean, I still know all of their names, and I can’t say that for ANY other major league sport, even the men’s teams. Billie Jean King helped them out with things back then, though.

C: She did. She’s awesome.

M: Is she dead?

C: …no, she’s alive…

M: Are you sure? Can you Google it?

C: Billie Jean King is alive. I mean, I will check if you don’t believe me, but I am positive she’s alive. I see her on tennis stuff sometimes.

M: I think she’s dead.

C: No, she’s alive. I see her on TV all the time.

M: When?

C: Look, alive! Look here. [Flashes Wikipedia confirmation] She’s seventy-one. She is seventy-one and alive.

M: Oh.

C: It’s okay. Remember when I thought that John McEnroe was married to Patti Smith for like five years?

M: I mean, anyone could have made that mistake. Patty Smyth vs. Patti Smith…it’s all very confusing.

J: Christen Press is coming in! Christen Press is so pretty.

C: She’s like, “I got this!” Also, none of these people have medium-length hair. It’s all either super short or super long.

J: I think that’s because you want to be able to put it up if you keep it long.

C: I would personally go the long route, I think.

J: I mean, even my hair right now, I have to wear a man bun. It drives me crazy.

C: I like it.

*TV commentators talking about Christen Press needing to build her confidence*

M: Okay, no one NEEDS to give Christen Press confidence. If she still needs people to give her confidence (which like, she allegedly shook off playing for Sweden), then she should not be playing for the national team.

C: Every time they say “Montoya”, I just want to be like, “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father.”

M: Guys, do you know what I did the other day during Colombia’s latest match? I watched it with the sound off to Bjork’s “Stonemilker” on repeat. It was amazing.

*Collective silence*

C: You know what I don’t understand? Is how these girls are keeping their hair up in buns like that.

M: There has to be like, a support system.

C: I’m telling you, it doesn’t make sense, the buns. I would braid my hair. It’s just more efficient.

M: So are they not going to play Leroux at ALL this game?

J: I don’t know! I love Leroux.

M: If I was Leroux, I would be on the sidelines fuming.

C: Or listening to LA ROUX. (The singer…)

M: I know who La Roux is. PS, my main source of motivation to become financially successful in life is the idea that maybe, just maybe, I could one day pay a retired Hope Solo to be my bodyguard.

C: Hope Solo is a beast. I hope she is your bodyguard some day.

M: Right?! She deserves to be in this competition one hundred fucking percent. If she was my bodyguard, I would treat her as my equal, and I would pay her so much money. Is that insulting? If so I am really sorry, because I am not trying to be insulting.

C: But what if she freaks out on you? I would totally come in and be Olivia Benson. [Makes punching sounds]

M: Thanks. Also, FUCK YOU MONTOYA, YOU’RE OUTTA HERE! ENJOY THE FLIGHT HOME!

C: The weirdest part to me about…who’s the girl who had the ball? With the short brown hair?

M: Klingenberg.

C: Yeah, her. The weirdest part is that her hair isn’t sweaty. It’s perfect.

M: It makes no sense. She also just recently got it cut that short, and like, I guess it makes sense for practicality, but aesthetically I would not recommend. Like, has no one learned anything from the nineties? Where the mom in Home Alone gets her hair cut short in the second movie and it looks like shit? Like, Kling, you’re Catherine O’Hara. She should’ve gotten an undercut or something cool. Dude, Hope Solo is THE best goalkeeper in the entire world. I will defend that statement to my death.

C: [Continues talking about Klingenberg’s hair] Her hair looks PERFECT. It makes no sense. I don’t understand why some people sweat so much and other people don’t.

M: Dude, we just won!

C: We have to do better than this for the next game, though.

M: We do. We do.

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Watch the US play China this Friday (6/26) at 7:30pm EST.

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