THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
I seriously CANNOT believe this season is already over with! Do I feel like they did an adequate job? Sort of! But we’ll get into that later.
The episode begins with Myrtle using her witchy wiles to cruise past pre-apocalypse Venable and infiltrate Jeff and Mutt’s HQ. She strong-arms them into agreeing to reserve four spaces for Coco’s family at one of the bunkers, and now we know how that little arrangement came to be.
Cordelia explains to Coco and Mallory that she’ll need to hide their true identities from them, and that she has decided to model Coco’s new personality after Madison’s callousness – she needs Mallory to be ridiculed and belittled in order for her powers to remain subdued in hiding. Coco apologizes profusely in advance, but once the spell takes hold, she settles into her new bitchtastic role with ease!
Madison (pretending to be an Uber driver) drops the girls off at the hair salon (which is where we first see them in the season), and once they leave the car, she notices that a passing bus has an ad for Dinah’s new talk show. Remember, Dinah is the one who facilitated the witch massacre, and Madison (rightfully embittered) reports back to Cordelia and Myrtle, suggesting they burn the bitch at the stake. Myrtle’s all for the idea, but Cordelia insists they leave it alone – they can’t risk raising any suspicions about Mallory in the bunker, where Dinah will also be placed thanks to her deal with the devil.
When the time comes, Madison, Myrtle and Cordelia ride out the apocalypse by burying themselves underground. And when Mallory’s powers literally explode out of her during that interrogation session with Michael, they know it’s time to emerge, worms in their noses ‘n all.
They move swiftly to revive the very-recently deceased (due to poison) Mallory, Coco and Dinah, which is (as we remember) when Michael turns up to be like, “OH HELL NO!”
Dinah insists she’s not gonna do jack shit to help the resistance, but SURPRISE, YOU FOOL, ’cause Cordelia made a deal with Papa Legba to release Marie Laveau from the depths of hell. And guess whose soul is gonna replace hers? YUP, DINAH! Karma’s a bitch, baby!
Cordelia uses her powers to blow up good ol’ robot Mead, and Madison seizes the opportunity to shoot Michael with the now-dismembered machine gun arm. He dies, but just temporarily, so the witches move to get Mallory upstairs. The plan is to use a strand of Michael’s hair to help Mallory go back in time and correct the whole apocalypse thing, but before she can get going, she gets stabbed in the goddamn gut by FUCKING MUTANT BROCK! UGH! She’s like, totally dying, the whole plan is about to go out the flippin’ window, but Cordelia rolls out a major power move – she slits her own throat so that SHE’LL die, and Mallory can absorb her powers. Genius! Hero! Also, whoa!
And Mallory is able to successfully return to the moment right after Michael murders that priest in his bedroom, when he gets kicked out of Constance’s house. As he’s storming out into the street, homegirl runs him over three times. BOOM! Constance runs out after him, and he begs her in his final breaths to take him to the Murder House so that they can be together forever. After a brief pause, she goes, “GO TO HELL!” (YASSS QUEEN!)
And that’s when Mallory arrives on Cordelia’s doorstep for schooling, knowing full well that she just saved the whole damn planet from certain destruction! Does she say anything about it? No, she keeps her humble lips SEALED. Of course, since there was no apocalypse, Myrtle never had to be brought back from the dead. But we do get to 1. keep Queenie (who Mallory advises not to stay in the hell hotel), 2. see the return of Misty (and eventually Madison, theoretically) from their own personal hells, because apparently a lot of street cred comes with assassinating Satan’s spawn, and the demons were all but willing to do special favors for Mallory.
If you’re going, “This sounds like too happy of an ending, Megan!” then I’m going, “I mean, duh!” Of course things can’t stay all nice and happy! Remember those two seemingly normal kids from the bunker in the beginning of the season? The ones that you were sort of like, “Why are they here?” Well, turns out they get together anyway after literally bumping into each other on the street. And guess what? They have a baby. A demon baby, to be exact. And after he does his first big babysitter murder, good ol’ Mead & Spooky Co. roll up to the doorstep offering their help.
Well, it was nice while it lasted, anyway.
The episode absolutely felt rushed, and I definitely didn’t think it was all believable re: Michael getting super duped. Unfortunately they didn’t have time for more clever combat, but hey, could it have been worse? 100%. So I’ll take it.
Until next season, y’all, keep it creepy!