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THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

QUEEN JESSICA LANGE IS BACK IN FULL GLORY, Y’ALL!

As usual, before we talk about that, let’s discuss the lead-up. Madison and Chablis pretend to be a married couple interested in buying ye olde Murder House. (Probably the most hilarious pair of all time, shout-out Emma Roberts and Billy Porter for that good good chemistry!) The realtor does background checks on them to make sure they’re not total weirdos (he doesn’t check to make sure they aren’t witches, though), gives them the ol’ “A FUCK TON OF PEOPLE DIED IN THIS HOUSE ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS?” speech, and then he happily hands them the keys.

Upon arrival, they can immediately feel that this joint is no joke. Their powers are off due to the house’s energy, and they can tell that there are lots of hidden spirits crammed into the space. To force the ghosts out of the shadows, they perform a spell to reveal all our old favorites – Tate, Violet, Ben, Vivien, Moira, Constance and Billie Dean!

Madison and Chablis are met with some understandable skepticism, and Constance only agrees to give them the Michael scoop if they rid her of Moira. (You know, the maid who was fucking her husband.) So the two set about digging up Moira’s bones in the backyard, which they return to her (she’s hella grateful for this) and then re-bury in the cemetery where her mother’s grave is located. Happy endings, sort of!

And so begins Constance’s tales about Michael. He had the classic beginnings of a run-of-the-mill serial killer, mutilating small animals and insects and leaving them around the house as “gifts”. Eventually, though, he moves on to bigger things, like PEOPLE. I mean, no one is surprised, but YIKES.

Constance seems willing to put up with all of this UNTIL she finds that he’s aged an entire decade in one evening, and she realizes that homeboy is definitely not entirely human. She tries to get a priest in to deal with him, but when she checks on the two of them she finds Michael playing video games next to the priest’s corpse. So that ain’t gonna work.

It gets to the point where she wakes up in the middle of the night and Michael is strangling her. He lets up and apologizes, but that was pretty much the last straw. She walks herself on over to Murder House and takes her own life – if she’s gonna die, it’s gonna be on her own terms. (Let’s also just take a moment to appreciate how dire things are if EVEN JESSICA LANGE CAN’T HANDLE IT.)

Michael comes looking for her, and when he realizes she’s killed herself, he sobs and apologizes for being a monster. Ben approaches, and tells him he wants to help him to be good. “Why?” Michael wants to know. And it turns out that Ben views him as a son, even though he knows (and we OBVIOUSLY know) that he isn’t.

It seems like there’s progress being made re: turning Michael towards the light, but when Tate coldly refuses to have anything to do with this purely evil kid, Michael becomes withdrawn and goes back to his old ways. He starts to torment the spirits of the house, which is bad enough. But then, a couple moves in and he murders them in a heartbeat. Ben’s all, “WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?! THIS ISN’T YOU!” But then Michael burns the now-resurrected spirits of the couple to a crisp. He erases them from existence, both body and soul. And upon seeing that, Ben’s like “Yeahhh…I should for sure not have tried to help fix you, you’re beyond repair.”

And then the crows begin to circle the house, and the temperature becomes boiling hot inside, and a ragtag group o’ Satanists turn up on the doorstep like the Three Wise Men following a dark star. One of said Satanists is Mead, obviously. To show him his true power, they decide to ritually sacrifice some poor girl who hitches a ride with Mead on a rainy night. And it’s brutal AF – they stab her in the stomach, and then reach inside to remove her heart WHILE SHE IS ALIVE AND CONSCIOUS. And then Michael is given the heart to eat, and we see a terrifying shadow of a beastly devil rise up behind him. Oh. Fuck.

Vivien sees all this shit go down, and that’s when she decides she’s gotta kill a bitch. She makes her way into Michael’s room with a knife while he (she thinks) is asleep, but he senses that she’s there and engulfs her in flames. Fortunately Tate is there to save her! But after that night, Michael leaves, and they (presumably) never see him again.

So now Madison and Chablis have the full story, and they understand that Michael is not just bad, but like, is THE FUCKING ANTICHRIST. And they set out to tell Cordelia this news, but not before Madison mends the broken relationship between Violet and Tate. Violet obviously still loves him, but she’s conflicted since he was obviously an evil douche for a while. Madison blows some truth dust in her face so she can see that it was, more or less, the house using him to do its satanic bidding. And they live (you know, in an undead way) happily ever after!

Of course, as Madison and Chablis note while getting in the car, there are likely to be no happy endings for anyone if Michael has anything to say about it. And next week’s episode looks like we’re gonna see some major witch badassery, so ONWARDS AND UPWARDS! See you in seven days, y’all!

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