THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
I can only think of one word to describe last night’s episode, and that is: ICONIC.
The action kicks off with Dinah (Adina Porter) being sought out by Cordelia, who needs her to arrange a meeting with Papa Legba. (You remember, America’s favorite Gatekeeper of the Spirit World!) Dinah agrees to do it, but only for the sum of $100K. NO BIG DEAL. Cordelia’s good for the money, and so things proceed. Papa Legba appears, and Cordelia explains to him that she wants to lure Michael into the underworld, trapping him there forever to prevent the impending apocalypse. Papa Legba says he’s down, but he wants not one, not two, but ALL of the coven’s members’ souls. Cordelia can’t do what her mother did (aka hand over Nan’s soul, who is enjoying the hell outta Hell, by the way), and she declines the weighty offer. Papa Legba bounces, Cordelia asks Dinah what she should do now, and Dinah’s basically like, “GIRL, YA BLEW IT! EARTH IS DOOMED!”
Meanwhile, Madison is sent to round up ol’ Bubbles McGee (Joan Collins is back, baby!), an ex-coven member who left to pursue the fine art of acting. Homegirl’s got the ability to read minds (actually, read souls), so she’ll be a useful asset in determining the warlocks’ true motives in all this apocalypse misery business. She begrudgingly agrees to help with the all-hands-on-deck effort when Myrtle, a close friend, assures her that without her participation, the world might finally be alerted to Bubbles’ TRUE age. (Which, I am assuming, is v. old and thus v. embarrassing.)
Myrtle and Bubbles get the warlock council to agree to have dinner so that Bubbles can do her magic, and from that meeting they discover (telepathically) that the plan is to murder all of the witches. They ALSO learn that the warlocks betrayed their own John Henry, which we of course already knew, but now the witches know the stakes are REAL HIGH.
Back at the coven HQ, Coco discovers a new power – she’s not only able to tell if a food item contains gluten, but she can tell the exact calorie count of any food just by looking intensely at it. Coco’s powers have been one of my favorite parts of this season // BEST COMIC RELIEF! Things take a dark turn when Coco chokes on a Snoball and briefly dies, though. I say “briefly” because with a wave of her hand, Mallory opens up Coco’s neck, removes the partially masticated chunk of marshmallow, seals Coco up, and brings her back to life! WHAT THE FLIP! MANY POWER!
Zoe witnesses this whole thing go down, and she alerts Cordelia that she doesn’t believe Michael is actually the true next Supreme – it’s MALLORY! They give her the good ol’ SEVEN WONDERS test, and for her final act, she brings John Henry back from a pile of cinder into a good-as-new warlock.
And with JH alive, they get the intel about Mead’s involvement with this whole (literally) diabolical plan to destroy the coven, and also Earth.
Naturally, they set about getting some gosh gang R-E-V-E-N-G-E. First they round up the two traitorous warlocks (who, by the way, were just reveling in a batch of poison they made to destroy the witches) and delete their mouths using magic, and then they use Coco as bait to grab Mead from a supermarket parking lot. All three assholes are brought out to the beautiful, scorching desert to be burned at the stake. And who better to help than John Henry, back from the dead?!
The warlocks don’t take too well to being burned up (although without mouths, we can’t really hear them scream), but MEAD seems to enjoy the flames, claims she’s amped to be reunited with her father (y’know, ye olde devil), and smiles the entire time. P. FUCKED UP AMIRITE?!
It was an incredibly badass ending, and I sincerely hope the witches are on a roll with all of this. We already know they can’t stop the apocalypse, but goddamn I hope Michael gets his comeuppance. At the very least, it looks like he feels real pissed that his buddies got burnt in the next episode, AND it appears Sandra Bernhard will guest star YASSSSS (check out the trailer below) // SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!