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SPOILERS AHEAD! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

WOW WOW WOW! AHS wasted no time cutting to the spooky vibes last night. (If you need a refresher re: what happened in Episode 1, just head here.) Houston, we have a latex man.

But first, we have snakes. Lots of snakes. While Emily (one of the ideal DNA people recruited by The Cooperative) is changing clothes, the candle in her room goes out. When she re-lights it, SNAKES. ALL. OVER. As you might have predicted, they (like Stu) are chopped up and turned into dinner, which is served to the guests. And wouldn’t you know it, despite being smashed to bits, those motherfuckers somehow come alive again and leap out of the serving bowls!

Emily seems more hellbent on finding out who Venable (Sara Paulson) has been hiding in her office, though. (As we know from last week, it’s Michael Langdon, the demon baby from Murder House.) He makes his presence known shortly enough, and explains to the guests that other bunkers have fallen to cannibals from the post-apocalyptic outside world, but that he can offer a select few individuals salvation at a better-equipped fallout shelter.

Getting picked ain’t gonna be easy, though, and even before details are revealed it seems the guests (all hoping to gain a spot) are extra at each other’s throats. Langdon intends to question each person to find out whether or not they’d be suitable for the new environment. He doesn’t tell them what he’s looking for, but many jump to the conclusion that he’ll want young, healthy, straight people to repopulate humanity. (And through this, we find out that Venable has been lying to the guests about the whole thou-shalt-not-fuck rule.) As it turns out, the ideal candidate may not need to fulfill those sorts of requirements. While it remains foggy, we see that Langdon has a vast knowledge of each guest’s past, and tries to use it to reveal weaknesses or points of anger. He goes extra hard on Gallant (Evan Peters), who volunteers to go first in the interrogation round.

Gallant is turned on by the whole withholding vibe, and makes his attraction to Langdon known. Later, it seems that Langdon has put on the latex suit (made so famous in Murder House) – the latex man shows up at Gallant’s room, and they obviously fuck. Gallant’s grandma (Joan Collins, remember? QUEEN!) sees through the crack in the door, and promptly rats her grandson out in hopes he’ll be given the death sentence that was previously used under the fake no-fucking rule. But Gallant isn’t killed; instead, he is deluded into killing his grandma after being seduced by latex suit man again. (Who he still believes is Langdon, but no, honey. That ain’t him. Yikes dot com.)

Emily and Timothy sneak into Langdon’s office during all of the questioning, and via his laptop (which weirdly works despite the whole nuclear fallout thing) they find out about the false ban on copulation. And they are PISSED. So they fuck (all while creepy to-be-identified latex suit man is hanging out on the ceiling, unbeknownst to them) and get caught and WOW, guess what? Venable (who clearly feels like she’s being usurped by Langdon following his Q+A session with her, which reveals she’s got a deformed spine for reasons unknown, and also that she will not be going with them to safety) decides to be a punk ass bitch and order their execution.

So the pair are dragged out in their underwear and are about to be shot when Timothy opens up a can of whoop ass and shoots Mead (Kathy Bates), who then stumbles out into the hallway to examine the wound. And do you know what? IT LOOKS REAL FUCKED UP. Like, homegirl isn’t human fucked up. It’s like…pus and bones but no blood or organs that I could see. IDK, Y’ALL. That’s where things end, so I guess we’re going to have to wait a whole ‘nother goddamned week to find out what even the fuck is happening.

PS please give Bllie Lourd more screen time. Sincerely, Megan.

 

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