I know what you’re thinking. The Winter Olympics is already a reality show. There’s the unedited drama, the competition, and the emotionally manipulative mini-documentaries about the athletes that feel akin to reality TV show confessionals. But what I’m really missing from the Olympic games is the heat. That’s where my pitch comes in…wait for it…The Winter Olympics: Hot Olympic Village Nights. Perhaps the title is too porny? More Cinemax than NBC? Whatever, it’s a working title.

It’s everything you love about the Olympics, but with added uncensored romance and drama. It’s common knowledge that Olympic Village gets racy and why don’t we get to see that on air?! Think about how much audiences were horrified/salivated over the mess that was Ryan Lochte takes Brazil. Imagine if that was caught on HD camera instead of security camera.

But back to Olympic Village. Here’s a bunch of super attractive, fit people all fired up with adrenaline, hormones, and in the case of a Russian curler, performance enhancing drugs. How are we not making a show out of this? Imagine the competitive spirit of Survivor meets the romance of The Bachelor meets the ambition of So You Think You Can Dance and the messy cohabitation of The Real World. NBC has none of those shows and with Hot Olympic Village Nights, they get them ALL.

Yes, the Olympics committee would probably balk at sexy and silly after-hours antics of athletes being shown on national TV and I’m sure it would be hard to get all the countries on board but there are enough US athletes that could make a show like this great and if it’s the hit I think it could be, how jealous would Russia be if their stars’ faces got blurred out. They butted into our Presidential Election, just try to keep them out of our hot new reality show. You could even do it with just figure skaters and call it Fire and Ice (I’ll give that one to you for free, Andy Cohen. You’re welcome). With Winter Olympics ratings being so lackluster, I’d bet NBC would be willing to campaign hard for this show in order to entice more viewers to watch. 

A reality show is all about the characters: the sexpot, the villain, the naïve one, the arrogant one. I mean, just imagine the characters in the US alone. There’s sibling rivalry! Just think of the tension between curling’s Hamilton brother and sister. They’re fiery on the court, rink…what’s the place you play curling called? Who cares! Let’s see them off that place and in Olympic Village really giving each other shit. How about the beloved skating team of Maia and Alex Shibutani—they even have a nickname and a YouTube channel—Shibsibs. I know, adorable. They say there’s no sibling rivalry in their relationship… but let’s see what happens when one takes the other’s Power Bar from their Village fridge. And why do you always have to copy me?! Is it because mom loves me more? … is, um, something they might say.

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You also need romance in reality TV. There’s also so many couples that could get audiences rooting for their relationship on and off the ice. Alexa and Chris Knierim are the first USA married Olympic couple. They were even married by their coach. If that doesn’t feel even cuter than Chris Harrison marrying a couple from The Bachelor I don’t know what is.

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There are also non-married couples that could bring some will-they-won’t-they tension, like Madison Chock and Evan Bates. It’s their first time skating as a team, but they’ve dated almost a decade. What happens when Evan leaves his tights all over the room after he was half a second late on his jump causing them to come in fucking fifth place. Can’t you just fucking pick up your tights and hang them over the sink for once without me asking…or something like that.

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Any producer tasked with cleaning a hot tub on reality TV knows that sex sells and they’ll definitely be some of that on this show. There’s an Olympic FOURSOME. Follow along with me, because this gets more salacious than a Jersey Shore episode—Madison (Madisons are to The Olympics what Lauren B’s are to The Bachelor) Hubbell and Zachary Donohue used to date but then they broke up but still skate together. They’re instead dating Adria Diaz and Olivia Smart, respectively. And they all lived in the same house while they trained. When asked why he broke up with Hubbell while still remaining a skating pair, Donohue admitted that to skate and date 24/7 with their two personalities was “explosive.” Imagine Madison after a couple post-skate lemon drops. You know what else is “explosive”, Zach?! Your bowel movements… have fun with THAT, Olivia. 

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The biggest key ingredient in a successful reality cast is stand out, unique personalities; the bigger the better. People also like to follow characters looking for love. I have both in one person. Who better to fill the role of breakout star on the dating prowl than hot property Adam Rippon?! Not only is he handsome, witty, an Olympic fan favorite but he also knows how to promote his big personality. He recently Tweeted that his Housewives tagline would be “my blades are sharp, my tongue is sharper.” A Bravolebrity is born! He even turned down the chance to be a NBC correspondent because he’s having too much fun in Olympic Village. He knows where the party’s at. NBC, It may be too late to do this for this winter, but the best part is that the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo are just around the corner. And many of those future reality stars already are cool with wearing a Speedo on camera.

 

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