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By M.K. Paulsen

This is what happens when you have one-too-many mini-bottles of airplane booze, stumble to the lavatory on your jet and chat up strangers about the great time you just had in Rio:

“Dude, I mean Brazil was great…and ya, I don’t know how I feel about all the gays, but who am I to judge?!?! Had such a blast though!!!”

The LGBT community has made a lot of progress in the religious, mystical, and spiritual worlds in recent years. Since Jason Collins came out as an openly gay male athlete after having played for the Washington Wizards, he successfully challenged Dumbledore’s supremacy as the most influential gay wizard in existence. And although this power struggle has caused deep divides between Hogwarts and the NBA, the Muggle realm is rejoicing at the open dialogue this has created for gay members of the mystical world and extremely rich athletes.


Not to be outdone by their wizarding counterparts, Catholic clergy took to Rio de Janeiro’s Copacabana Beach to get in on some of the hot gay action. Estimates say that over 3 million people attended Pope Francis’ Mass on the white-sand beach, although official tallies for the number of people that were wearing Speedos, drinking Mojitos and actually thought they were at a circuit party is to be determined. One would assume it would be well into the millions and a sort of “Carnival Fervor” took over after rum shots/Communion.

However, like the eternal frat boy experimenting with the idea of homosexuality, Pope Francis decided to reel in how gay his trip was in a fun gayme of chicken with the media. When asked what he thought of the homosexual bonanza going on in the world, Pope Francis responded with, “If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?”

Personally, I applaud the Pope for saying anything about the LGBT community, but I want to gently remind the Pope that he is the Pope and that is who he is to judge. Side note: Pope’s have judged gays for a long time. And by not actually saying he doesn’t judge gays, he hasn’t really said anything except imply that he is really something.

So in conclusion, I think the best way to get the Catholic Church to support LGBT issues is to have Whoopi Goldberg lead a ragtag group of nuns in a gay evangelical singing jamboree all the way to the Pope’s heart. Hopefully she will be up for a sequel that focuses on youth in a singing competition. And that the Dame Maggie Smith and Kathy Najimy will be involved as well.


M.K. Paulsen is an Austin- and DC-based Comedian. Find him on Twitter @mkpaulsen.