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Even presidents can sometimes turn it down for what. Due to their incredible power, massive egos, and their responsibility to be a guiding moral and ethical light for their constituents, anything they do can erode into a scandal, even if it was originally supposed to be a little illicit awful cathartic fun/crime. Take a look at planet Earth’s most well known presidential scandals and parties, but mostly scandals. Thanks humanity.

Party: The Inauguration – President: Andrew Jackson – Location: The White House

Andrew Jackson was America’s first “Frontier” president. Seen not as one of the “east coast elites”, his election was believed to be a victory for the common man, beaver trappers and cobblers, or whatever. He was a Washington outsider, what all modern day presidential candidates like to claim to be for some reason. Now what does America’s first common-man president do upon his election? Throw a raging kegger, bro! Jackson kissed the Bible he was sworn on, bowed to the public, rode his horse to the White House, and 20,000 people followed him and trashed the place, creating the original source material for Animal House. Women fainted, men were drunk and bloodied, thousands of dollars of china were shattered, and whiskey laced punch was enjoyed. Two historians, David and Jeanne Heidler, wrote in 2004 that Antoine Michel Giusta, the White House steward at the time, moved the party outside by taking the punch outside, like the Pied Piper for alcoholics. Old Hickory retreated from the party due to his constant threat of being suffocated by the mob.

Scandal: The Jeffersons – President: Thomas Jefferson – Location: Monticello?

Slavery, a tale as old as time, unfortunately. This has been referred to as the first presidential scandal in American history. Thomas Jefferson founding fathered 6 children with Sally Hemmings, one of his slaves who was 14 at the time. It is scandals/crimes like this that make me want to refer to our founding fathers as stepdads. They are usually the ones who do the creepy stuff with kids.

Scandal: Dueling and Dealing – President (Vice): Aaron Burr – Location: America

Most well known for murdering Alexander Hamilton in a duel on the Jersey Shore, a location where are all intellectual disputes reduce themselves to violence, Aaron Burr also tried to make his own independent nation in the heart of the Louisiana Purchase between 1801-1805. Under the guise of farming land, leased to him by the Spanish Crown in the Texas Territory, Burr attempted to expand his lands by orchestrating a war between America and Spain and conquering the lands around it with the help of James Wilkinson, the commanding General of the Army at the time. Burr was arrested for treason, acquitted, not charged with murder, then went backpacking through Europe, like a communications major confused about their future, until he ran out of money and had to come back to America.

Scandal: HydroDoor – President: Richard Nixon – Location: Washington D.C.

We all expected this to be here. Tricky Dick attempted to cover up a burglary, phone tappings, dirty money, and abuses of power. Then Precarious Pecker tried to cover up the cover up with more threats and attempted firings of all those who opposed. A man with an ethical code and a sense of humor named himself Deepthroat and tossed bread crumbs to Hansel and Gretel of the Washington Post inside a parking garage. The Senate voted to get to the bottom of this and subpoenaed secret tapes which sank President Rocky Cocky immediately. All of this began because a security guard found tape on some closed doors. Never doubt a man with a cloth badge.

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Scandal: Iran-Contra Isn’t a Game – President: Ronald Reagan – Location: Iran-Contra

During conservative God Ronald Reagan’s second term, hostages were taken in Lebanon by Iranian terrorists known as Hezbollah. Remember them? They are like Diet ISIL. Reagan’s idea was to sell Iran weapons, by way of Israel, and give that money to the “democratic resistance” in Nicaragua called Contras, which was prohibited by Congress. This was in no way supposed to be viewed as just paying for hostages with weapons. Imagine pointing at an apple, saying “That’s an apple,” and then the Reagan administration told you to stop pointing at their orange. According to a New York Times poll, the president’s approval ratings saw “the largest single drop for any U.S. president” to date from 67% to 46%. That date was November 1986. Not bad for a movie star.

Scandal: Mo Money, Mo Problems – President: Chen Shui-bian – Location: Taiwan

Beginning from an approval rating of 5.8%, thanks to his son-in-law resigning from the president’s political party following allegations of insider trading in 2000, Chen thought things couldn’t get worse. I assume he comically said to himself, “Well, at least its not raining”. Then, 8 years later, it started raining swift justice. In 2008, his wife, son, and daughter-in-law were accused of misappropriation of funds, embezzlement, and money laundering. The president was named in the crime. Apparently, the dragon fruit doesn’t fall far from the vine! Chen stood accused of wiring $20 million to bank accounts under fake identities. He and his wife were then fined over $15 million, which is less that what he tried to steal for some reason, and sentenced to life in prison. Imagine investing all your time and years of hard work in climbing to the top of power and popularity, only to throw it all away by intentionally hurting the very people who supported you. That’s like if Chris Pratt, dressed as Starlord, went to a children’s hospital and started punching kids in the cancer ward. “SAY HI TO MY MOM!” *thud*

Scandal: The Oral Office – President: Bill Clinton – Location: The White House

President Saxophone got blown by an intern who later went on to make terrible purses. Do I need to explain this one any further? It can also be interpreted as a party.

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Party & Scandal: Bunga Bunga – “President”: Silvio Berlusconi – Location: Milan

While Berlusconi was referred to as a Prime Minister, that title is officially President of the Council of Ministers of Italy. It’s like how we call it football, while the Italians call it soccer, then eat a bunch of bread. Silvio Berlusconi was constantly embroiled in sex scandals during his reign. The most well known took place in Milan and had all the things a party could have; alleged underage prostitutes, …other stuff, a third item, etc. In 2011, it became public that at these parties was a practice known as Bunga Bunga, which is “an underwater orgy involving 20 circling women and a powerful leader”. This was allegedly taught to Silvio by Muammar al-Gaddafi, the de facto ruler of Libya for 40 years who was killed by revolutionaries in 2011 with his own golden gun, like a Bond villain. Also, President Vladimir Putin went to one of these parties. Triple rulers. Triple points!

Scandal: The Moped & the Mistress – President: François Hollande – Location: France

Leave it to the French to only take issue with infidelity OUT of wedlock. Much like how a certain level of political corruption is business as usual in the maelstrom of New York City and Chicago governments, the French unspokenly approve of mistresses. Some believe that if the president was married with only one mistress, these indiscretions would never have been made public. How and why this scandal broke is what makes it unique. Valerie Trierweiler, the former first lady of sorts, pun intended, and François never married. François then had the Charles de Gaulle to have TWO mistresses, sneak away from his OWN security, and go not-so-incognito on a not-so-French Italian scooter to have not-so-coy coitis with his second mistress in what some say was an attempt to throw the scent off his trail to his first mistress. Then in 2014, big dumb gossip magazines published the big dumb story with a big dumb picture of his big dumb head, wearing a big dumb helmet. If Obama merely drove a vehicle that wasn’t American, our conservative media would furiously explode. The French merely had a humorous field day with this sex pretzel. The funniest part of this story is what the funniest part of most stories are to me, Stephen Colbert. The Obamas had already planned a dinner and invited the French set, then had to remove Valerie’s name from the list while the scandal was breaking and the two were separating. Who did they decide to seat next to Michelle Obama? Our favorite satirist.
Fun Fact: Hollande’s approval rating is currently at 40%. Obama: 45.6%.

Scandal: A Party – President: Robert Mugabe – Location: Zimbabwe

In 2014, during a national threat of flooding and an economy ironically under water, 90-year-old president Robert Mugabe wanted a birthday party. When he turned 89, they minted new gold coins and gave the man a 200 pound cake. Apparently a Zimbabwe 89 is an American sweet 16. As you generally throw more money at a sequel, for his 90th birthday, they will spend $1 million! The country all came together and got him a wonderful gift, massive job loss and a severe liquidity crunch! The party was shamed by the Human Rights Watch for being cultist, obvious hero worship, and having a terrible cheese spread, labeling President Mugabe a muenster.

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