This weekend will be the hottest in Washington, D.C. in years. Heat index values will approach 115. It is too hot.
This week, like every other week, we receive dozens if not hundreds of press releases about cocktails. One piqued our interest more than others.
Is a popsicle and a shot of booze a cocktail?
Well?
Is it?
That’s what we’re here to find out. We purchased Popsicle brand Firecrackers, Popsicle brand Colors and eight bottles of liquor. We chose name brand popsicles because they’re the most available in your local grocer. We chose whatever liquors, ranging from $5 to $9, we could find from the nearest liquor store because if you’re putting liquor with popsicles you’re not doing it for the quality of alcohol.
We had four individuals sample as many of the 19 ‘cocktails’ (8 Firecracker and booze, 8 Colors and booze, 1 Firecracker Suicide (you know, pouring all the drinks into one drink), 1 Colors Suicide and one True Suicide combining all 16 flavors) and answer two questions:
- Is this a cocktail?
- Is it good?
Before we begin, we want to make it clear that we are not saying this is a way to beat the heat or to live like a responsible adult. We’re just putting popsicles and booze in plastic cups and telling you what they taste like. Do not do this to beat the heat. Drink water. Please drink water.
White Rum + Firecracker Popsicle
Afriti
Is this a cocktail? Yes.
Is it good? This was decent and sugary! I’d put it up there with the gin and the fireball.Â
Jenn
Is this a cocktail? No.
Is it good? I once Robotripped and this tastes exactly like that, shots of cough syrup.
Kaylee
Is this a cocktail? Yes, it is a cocktail. There’s a weird complexity going on? Maybe it’s just the fact that it’s super purple?
Is it good? I’ve absolutely had worst.
Lyna
Is this a cocktail? It’s a cocktail.
Is it good? It’s good. I can’t describe it, though, I’ve lost all feeling in my mouth.
Bourbon + Firecracker Popsicle
Afriti
Is this a cocktail? Not a cocktail.
Is it good? I would not drink this. It was a very weird mix. I hate bourbon so I might be biased, but this was bad.Â
Jenn
Is this a cocktail? No
Is it good? I mostly tasted the Bourbon here so if the world releases some kind of Firecracker-flavored Bourbon then sure.
Kaylee
Is this a cocktail? I don’t think it’s cocktail? It tastes too much like a crime in the making.Â
Is it good? It looks beautiful. It’s surprisingly good.
Lyna
Is this a cocktail? It could be a cocktail, if it was fully melted.
Is it good? It’s good. It tasted sweet and certainly isn’t straight whiskey anymore.
Gin + Firecracker Popsicle
Afriti
Is this a cocktail? Yes.
Is it good? Delicious! The best!! This is why gin is my favorite alcohol! Would be even better with bubbles though.
Jenn
Is this a cocktail? Yes.
Is it good? Yes. Gin was the first alcoholic beverage that made me vomit and I’ve mostly avoided it ever since. This was actually good so that’s saying something. Or maybe it’s saying something about my stomach. Both?
Kaylee
Is this a cocktail? I’ve basically seen this cocktail at Barmini and so that means it’s definitely a cocktail.
Is it good? It’s surprisingly good because I had the lowest standards for this one. Also I feel like this isn’t even gin. It’s $5. That should be illegal.
Lyna
Is this a cocktail? It’s a cocktail.Â
Is it good? It’s good. I think it was just a sweet gin. You would’ve gotten the same results putting sugar into your drink.
Fireball + Firecracker Popsicle
Afriti
Is this a cocktail? Yes.
Is it good? It tastes like cinnamon gum. I’d drink it again.
Jenn
Is this a cocktail? No.
Is it good? I don’t think this is delicious enough to be an actual cocktail but it did taste good. When I was a senior in high school we took a trip to Disney World for our accounting class. I have no idea what one had to do with the other. The #1 beverage we all snuck into our hotel rooms was Fireball. The moment I brought this drink to my face the sweet cinnamon nostalgia hit me hard. What a Magic Kingdom indeed.
Kaylee
Is this a cocktail? This can’t be a cocktail because it’s too much fun.
Is it good? You could feed this to children. It’s candy. It’s perfect.
Lyna
Is this a cocktail? Definitely a cocktail.
Is it good? Definitely good, and probably my favorite. Cinnamon did it a lot of favors.
Tequila + Firecracker Popsicle
Afriti
Is this a cocktail? Not a cocktail.
Is it good? Realllllly Bad — Like if you melted a few ice cubes in a glass of straight tequila that’s what this tasted like.
Jenn
Is this a cocktail? No
Is it good? Please God, no.
Kaylee
Is this a cocktail? This is terrible. It can’t be a cocktail because it’s too offensive.
Is it good? This is a hangover in a glass. Immediate nausea. Immediate headache. You should give this to teens to curb their drinking.
Lyna
Is this a cocktail? It’s a cocktail.
Is it good? It’s good. It tasted what it looks: pure purple flavor, like a grape lollipop.
Scotch + Firecracker Popsicle
Afriti
Is this a cocktail? No.
Is it good? I did not enjoy this. It wasn’t like the tequila but it had a weird taste. I kind of felt like I was drinking the popsicle stick.
Kaylee
Is this a cocktail? Yes it’s a cockatail! [sic]
Is it good? It’s good but it’s not soo good that it transcends past the idea of the cocktail and becomes a pure platonic concept. I would honestly drink this again.
Lyna
Is this a cocktail? Not a cocktail.
Is it good? Not good. The gross brown color is exactly what you get.
Vodka + Firecracker Popsicle
Afriti
Is this a cocktail? Yes
Is it good? Not much flavor but better than the tequila. It kind of tastes like when my roommates and I used to put freeze pops and vodka in a blender and tried to pass them off as slushie cocktails… but even worse.
Kaylee
Is this a cocktail? This isn’t a cocktail it’s just a popsicle. There’s no alcohol here. It’s just a melted popsicle.
Is it good? This is wildly dangerous.
Lyna
Is this a cocktail? It’s not a cocktail.
Is it good? It’s not good. It tastes like a pure vodka, and the colors fooled me. I shouldn’t have tasted it first, because now it’s just in my chest.
Southern Comfort + Firecracker Popsicle
Afriti
Is this a cocktail? Yes
Is it good? I hate whiskey normally but this wasn’t bad. It was really sweet. I think the popsicle was fully melted by the time I drank this.
Jenn
Is this a cocktail? Yes
Is it good? I’m a huge fan of New Orleans and that’s where SoCo hails from. Put it in a Hurricane* or a popsicle. I’ll drink it.
*SoCo is not in Hurricanes
Kaylee
Is this a cocktail? It’s a haunted cocktail. This is something I could see a tourist bar in New Orleans selling to people on a ghost tour.
Is it good? Deeply delicious.
Lyna
Is this a cocktail? It might be a cocktail.
Is it good? It’s not good. It smelled really good though, so it’s another con. Fool me twice.
—
Southern Comfort + Cherry Popsicle
Afriti
Is this a cocktail? Not a cocktail, not good.
Is it good? Tastes kind of watery.  These popsicles suck.Â
Kaylee
Is this a cocktail? It’s not a cocktail because it tastes like drinking perfume.
Is it good? I don’t like it because it tastes like drinking perfume.
Lyna
Is this a cocktail? It’s not a cocktail.
Is it good? It’s not good. I wish I had more to say.
Vodka + Grape Popsicle
Afriti
Is this a cocktail? Not a cocktail.
Is it good? I just taste vodka, the worst alcohol. Horrible. Still not as bad as the tequila but close.Â
Kaylee
Is this a cocktail? This tastes just like vodka, so I guess it’s technically a cocktail. If anything, it’s a popsicle martini.
Is it good? I hate it.
Scotch + Cherry Popsicle
Kaylee
Is this a cocktail? It’s a cocktail, even if it’s an adolescent cocktail.Â
Is it good? If you mixed scotch into a cherry Vanilla Coke, it would be this. Kind of.
Tequila + Orange Popsicle
Kaylee
Is this a cocktail? This can’t be a cocktail it’s a crime against humanity and I should go to jail I’m so sorry tell me family I love them.
Is it good? This is so bad I want to die?
Fireball + Cherry Popsicle
Afriti
Is this a cocktail? I think it’s a cocktail but…
Is it good? This taste [sic] like sweet fireball. I really like it, but I would probably also like fireball with sugar in it.Â
Jenn
Is this a cocktail? Yes
Is it good? Yes. Fireball should run on the same ticket as gin.
Kaylee
Is this a cocktail? SHOCKER. This is delicious and it is a cocktail and I love it.
Is it good? Fireball is good, don’t let the snobs tell you otherwise.
Gin + Orange Popsicle
Jenn
Is this a cocktail? Yes
Is it good? Yes. GIN FOR PRESIDENT. GIN 2020.
Kaylee
Is this a cocktail? This $5 gin is good, but it can’t be a cocktail. A $5 gin can’t exist. I refuse to see it.
Is it good? Again, this is good.
Bourbon + Orange Popsicle
Jenn
Is this a cocktail? No
Is it good? Jim Beam is TOO OVERWHELMING. Jim must be an a-hole. Not sure if it’s the strength of Mr. Beam or the weakness of the orange popsicle but there was only Jim Beam here.
Kaylee
Is this a cocktail? This is a cocktail because it’s basically, kind of, if you squint and look at it the right way, an Old Fashioned. A very sugary old fashioned.
Is it good? It’s an old fashioned for the people.
Rum + Grape Popsicle
Afriti
Is this a cocktail? Not a cocktail
Is it good? I said this already but it bears repeating: These popsicles suck! Doesn’t really taste like anything more than rum and some sugar water.Â
Jenn
Is this a cocktail? No
Is it good? This doesn’t even taste like grape. Send help/taste buds. It just…is.
Kaylee
Is this a cocktail? This is a cocktail. This is a cocktail I could see at any D.C. bar patio. It’s a little unexpected, but deeply familiar.
Is it good? Grape is the worst flavor but it’s the best flavor with white rum.
Lyna
Is this a cocktail? Not a cocktail.Â
Is it good? Not good. I don’t know why, but the rocket was a lot sweeter than this one. This one was just straight rum.
Rocket Suicide
Afriti
Is this a cocktail? A cocktail for sure!Â
Is it good? Sugar! Delicious! It’s better than the True suicide because it’s not just melted popsicle—you can still taste the alcohol.
Kaylee
Is this a cocktail? This is a cocktail and it’s actually a good one.
Is it good? THIS IS THE ULTIMATE. There’s sugar but there’s still an alcohol edge.
Lyna
Is this a cocktail? It’s a cocktail.
Is it good? It’s REALLY good. Don’t be fooled by the smell of pure chemical, it’s real candy.
Colors Suicide
Afriti
Is this a cocktail? Not a cocktail.Â
Is it good? Horrible. I hated this.
Kaylee
Is this a cocktail? It’s a cocktail, but it’s a bad cocktail. It’s a cocktail that’s trying to copy the rocket suicide, and it’s doing it badly.
Is it good? It’s red like horror movie blood. It’s red like madness.
Lyna
Is this a cocktail? It’s not a cocktail.
Is it good? It’s not good. It’s just like a really watered down liquor.
True Suicide
Afriti
Is this a cocktail? Definitely a cocktail!
Is it good? Goes down the easiest, it’s basically just like drinking a soup of melted popsicles. I can barely taste any alcohol.
Jenn
Is this a cocktail? Yes.
Is it good? Everything was canceled out to create joy.
Kaylee
Is this a cocktail? Like most cocktails. You could serve this to old people on a cruise.
Is it good? It’s sugar and booze and sugar. I am significantly less healthy for drinking this. A delicacy.
Lyna
Is this a cocktail? It’s a cocktail.
Is it good? It’s good. What makes it better than the Rocket Suicide is that it smells way better.
IN CONCLUSION: IS A POPSICLE PLACED IN ALCOHOL A COCKTAIL?
Only if you’re mixing Firecracker (or Rocket) branded popsicles with cheap $5 gin. That was the only combination all four testers emphatically agreed was a cocktail (the Firecracker and Southern Comfort cocktail, plus the suicides (which would be impossible and very dumb to recreate exactly) came in a collective second place). Happy summer. Drink safe. Don’t make the same choices we made. We make these bad choices so you don’t have to.
