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Alexandra Petri, blogger and columnist for the Washington Post, is on a rampage of recording just how gawky we all are. She’s a funny person. Her book of humorous essays, A Field Guide to Awkward Silences, will be out in 2015. Her play The Campsite Rule is playing until August 16th at the Anacostia Playhouse.

The Campsite Rule showcases an excruciatingly awkward sexual relationship between a virginal freshman boy (man?) in college and a woman in her late twenties that returns to her alma mater. Their first encounter is kind of like this:

kristen wiig

It takes place in a dining area/bedroom. Only two things happen in this room: eating and screwing. The audience is 10 yards away as clothes and panties are thrown off. First, she deflowers a freshman. Imagine how long that lasts…right. Second, he compares her clitoris to the Washington Monument. Third, we watch them watch porn.

arrested devlopment

There are three people in the play, again, all three are eating and screwing. You won’t see a threesome but you will see lots of half naked bodies and maybe yourself in one of the characters. Take that as you will. It’s going to be painful but you will laugh.

im awkward

The show will end up teaching you about different approaches to casual sex, but really what you actually look like while trying to get it on. You’ll silently admit to the weird shit you’ve done. And how so not sexy you can be.

bing bong

And that’s OK, because you’ll always have stories to tell your best friend the next morning at brunch (a keynote of the production). He/she is there for you and the mimosas never judge. 

alcohol would be nice

This play says carry on you sexually deviant freak. Quote Napoleon in bed! Try talking dirty! And be damn awkward at it.