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Words by Toby Zasloff. All photos by Bradley.

Note:  Welcome our newest BYGay to the pony pen: Toby Zasloff!  And remember to join Brightest Young Things during DC Pride for “Somewhere…” at the Newseum on Friday, June 10.  It will be an over-the-top night out at the Newseum.

This past weekend, the comedy theater collective CRACK continued its tradition of offending just about everyone with their performance of “A Crack in Time” at Town nightclub. Even pre-incarceration Marion Barry would struggle to hold a candle to Shea Van Horn, aka Summer Camp, and his army of CRACKHEADS. In two shows, one on Saturday and one on Sunday, this group put together the messiest, most outrageous combination of musical performances, sketch comedy, and video since… well… the last CRACK.

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The show got off to a strong start with a heart-wrenching rendition of 2011’s most culturally significant 3 minutes and 48 seconds: Rebecca Black’s “Friday”. Why heart-wrenching? Well, if your dick got slammed in a car door as in CRACK’s video, you would probably have a similar reaction.

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And thus begins the CRACK adventure. Summer Camp, upon losing her recently un-tucked cock, makes use of her time machine (conveniently hanging out in her enormous closet, consisting of the entire stage) to travel back in time and get her dick back. But all does not go according to plan….

Instead, Summer and her co-host Chris find themselves in 51 BC in the court of Queen Cleopatra, who has a deep appreciation for ABBA. As Summer is still dick-less, Summer and Chris travel forward in time… but not quite far enough. Instead, they catch a soul-stirring beat poetry interpretation of Lil’ Kim’s “How Many Licks”, but even mini-bongo accompaniment and interpretive dancers won’t regrow Summer’s cock. So, they travel forward again…

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But they go too far and end up in 2030. This series of time travel mishaps continue over the course of the show—bad for Summer, but good for everyone else. Famous assassinations are relived: JFK and Jackie O make an appearance, Abraham Lincoln is captured in an intimate moment with John Wilkes Booth, and Marie Antoinette—in one of the night’s most moving performances—meets her unfortunate end.

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That’s only the beginning… Summer tricks three other boys—and their prominently featured biceps—into time traveling, too. There, they meet the long-extinct Penisaurus Rex, who takes a liking to one of them, resulting in a predictable but sticky end. Gay Jesus shows up, too. And while he might enjoy getting sucked off by his 12 devoted followers, he isn’t so happy when he gets coated in a stomach’s worth of vomit.

How does it end? Does it matter? No. All that matters is that, by the end, you’re at Town Danceboutique, you’re drunk, and you’re about to make a succession of regretable life choices in the immediate future, possibly involving a drag queen and the girl’s bathroom. Just don’t lose your cock.

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