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all words and photos: Alyssa Lesser

History was made at Irving Plaza on Thursday night as the US Air Guitar National Championships rocked New York City. I was there to, of course, cheer on DC’s most beloved/oldest/coolest three-time regional champion, The Shred.

Let’s hope you know the drill by now: everyone competes in the first round to a song of their choosing and receives a score. The top five contestants from round one move to round two, where a random compulsory song is chosen to which they must air. At long last, the panel tallies the scores and crowns a champion.

The first round was so triumphant that we saw multi-way ties for both fourth and fifth places. The inconsistent judges switched ONCE AGAIN half way through the competition, and we saw our cherished Shred slide into fourth place. But hey, there’s always next year, right?!?!?! RIGHT.

There was then another tie for first place, and it was on between Dreamcatcher and Romeo Dance Cheetah. Dreamcatcher impressed with his thoughtful stoneresque prowess, but Romeo Dance Cheetah eclipsed the competition with his endless energy, goatee, and muscular leopard thighs. Romeo Dance Cheetah, AKA That Dude That Fucked a Cheetah Last Year in DC, takes gold. “Freebird” blasts triumphantly as the crowd hobbles drunkenly on stage to dance, and all is well. Until next year, air guitar…

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