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Goodrich Gevaart is our favorite Party Boi! He’s also an expert of rock and roll, AKA a Rock Doc. Today he examines the evil clowns for Iowa. -ed.

Since the 60s, psychology has had one system for classifying the way people tend to interact with one another: The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. If you’ve ever had to go to some dumb corporate team building excursion or try to find a date on the Internet, you’ll see people repping their letters. ISFP (Introversion, Sensing, Feeling, Perception). ESTJ (Extraversion, Sensing, Thinking, Judgement). ADTF (Always, Down, To, Fuck).

This arcane system has had it too good for too long in my opinion. There’s a much easier way to quickly explain what kind of person you are without having to remember all types of letters and what they mean. In my mind there’s 9 different types of people. Guess who else has 9 different people? The band Slipknot. And they got numbers. Way easier than four letters if you ask me. Let’s go into the wide range of personalities in this band of evil clowns from Iowa.

#0 – DJ Starscream AKA Ratboy


Number 0 is the turntablist of the band and as such his personality is quite “mixed” up if you will. People with the 0 type personality rely on others heavily for their own thoughts and ideas, but are supportive once a project is underway. 0 always wears a mask that resembles gas masks, which also shows their predilection to catastrophic things.

#1 – Joey The Drummer


While Joey is currently not in the Knot, he has taken the #1 with him. Look at that drum set. Hoo-boy. #1 personality types are kings of multitasking, able to juggle many things at once, like playing double bass while making sure your kabuki mask does not fall off. Drawbacks to #1’s are a tendency to overextend themselves and not ask for help when they need it. They can also go a little overboard with the bells and whistles of life. All those extra pieces on his drumset is a metaphor, dawg.

#2 – The Pig AKA The Dead One


#2 personality types are reserved for people who are deceased, just like the fallen bass player for Slipknot. If you see someone identify as a #2 personality type, they are in fact a dead person. If that’s what you are looking for in a person, hey, no judgements here.

#3 – Picklenose


#3 personality types love to make you laugh. They get off on pleasing others in the bedroom and out of it. I mean, look at that nose. HUBBA-HUBBA! #3’s however commonly have a darker side to their pleasing personas. Be wary if it seems like a #3 has slammed his long dong nose in a door. Literally or figuratively.

#4 – The Paint Face


Stoic and brooding, #4 personality types are very mysterious.  Usually only having a few close relationships, most notably with their guitars, getting behind their mask will be a struggle.  This is the type of person you’re going to want to see what’s behind that painted face, to tap into what makes that guitar really wail. Do not be surprised when you only find a sad man who only cares about guitar.

#5 – Pinhead


#5 Personality types are deeply troubled. While not all of them wear actual pinhead spikes like the sampler wizard of The Knot, the metaphorical spikes are out. Known to say things like, “The world would be better off without me,” “Who cares what I do,” or “Have you seen Hellraiser? It’s the only thing that speaks to me.”

#6 – Clown


#6 types are very anal retentive. A stickler for the details and quick to lose sight of the big picture. Which is weird because this pic is of a suicidal clown but like, this clown contains multitudes, bro.

#7 – Mr. Seven


#7’s are very spiritual by nature. Frequently feeling at one with God and nature, #7’s care deeply about their faith.  While not necessarily a follower of mainstream religion, #7s have been known to align themselves with all types of faiths from The Source Family to Scientology.

#8 – The Great Big Mouth AKA The Boogie Knight


When it comes to being ALPHA, look no further than a #8. What they say goes and if you don’t like it, hit the pavement. Great personality for jobs like football head coach, manager of a Jiffy Lube, or being a dad. Not good at making things for Etsy or going to museums.