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The United States just can’t seem to keep its little mits out of my lady bits. Sorry, I’m on a rhyming spree since just now, today; The Supreme Court ruled in favor of the Hobby Lobby contraceptive case. From the Chicago Tribune, “Business owners can object on religious grounds to a provision of President Barack Obama’s healthcare law that requires closely held companies to provide health insurance that covers birth control.

Employees of these businesses can still obtain birth control elsewhere and certain eligible (what constitutes eligible I wonder?) non-profit companies can obtain a “permission slip,” that will authorize insurance companies to provide birth control. Whew, that was easy, wasn’t it? I would almost rather give birth to a human being and care for it for 18 years, forcing it to listen to Peter Gabriel and watch Back to the Future, then jump through these senseless hoops.

Whatever happened to the separation of church and state? Or how about the separation of the church, the government and the state of my body? I wish there was a hotline I could call that leads directly to ol’ Uncle Sam because I can’t trust myself to make decisions about what’s going on in my uterus.

“Hey Sam it’s Jenn, again. I know, 4th time today…it’s just that I heard cotton underwear is better for you than silk underwear in terms of yeast infections and I know you have your finger on the pulse of my, well you know, so I was wondering…which should I wear? I swear I am not using birth control! Those were tic tacs.”

Relax everybody, this is probably only applying to things like the morning after pill which is just an abortion before the actual abortion, you know like after the party it’s the after party in the hotel lobby? Think of the morning after pill as the party and the United States does not want you at that party and they certainly don’t want you at the after party/abortion where you will meet all kinds of unsavory characters and your vagina will be doing lines in the bathroom with rock stars and rappers. GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER.

Sadly what people seem to forget here is that the birth control pill is not merely for birth control! We should really change the name to Period Regulator or similar, then you’ll get to say things like “Period Regulators, mount up!” when you take it every morning. In case you’ve forgotten or somehow never knew, the pill is wonderful for the following:

  • Easing menstrual cramps
  • Lighten the load of that period flow
  • Protection against Pelvic Inflammatory Disease which if left untreated can lead to infertility (and you KNOW the conservatives want you to have those babies so what gives?)
  • Reduction of acne (Hey, we all have a right to feel good about our physical appearance)
  • Breast growths (Not the good kind you guys, calm down)
  • Helps with PMS which guys hate, right fellas? Give me a high 5 on that one bro
  • Iron deficiency (Being anemic is a real bummer but did you also know you can’t donate blood if you’re anemic and we want to save some lives too!)
  • Infections in your tubes, uterus and ovaries
  • Ovarian and Endometrial cancers (YES CANCER)
  • Irregular and/or heavy periods (I’m sorry, we weirdly don’t want to be hit with that last scene in The Shining when we least expect it…what a bunch of weirdos we are)

I’ve taken the morning after pill before and I’ve taken it because I was being utterly foolish. I can’t even pretend that we were using 6 condoms and they all broke, such was the power of our lovemaking. Nope, we just acted like a couple of dummies, but thank God for the morning after pill because without it I’d be doing a crap job of raising a child in a studio apartment. I tried using the pill but my emotional state is so fragile that most of them had an adverse effect on me so I’m relegated to other forms of birth control, such as the morning after pill. I try to be as careful as I can but I’m human and I make mistakes. This free will that was allegedly bestowed upon me by God has allowed for such screw ups and thankfully some medically sound, scientifically gorgeous people have seen to it that I can correct them. Now the government wants to make it slightly more difficult for that to happen. The reason doesn’t matter. The result is what’s important. This may not affect me directly but I’m sure it will put a strain on the people of this country who have a tough enough time putting food on the table for the mouths they currently feed. But hey, Jesus Saves and when you see two sets of footprints in the sand He’s walking with us and when you see one set it’s because He’s carrying my rather large pregnant body on His back as my ankles are swollen and my back is sore.