oBYTuary: Steve Guttenberg
BYT at large | Jan 2, 2013 | 1:34PM |
No “celebrities” were harmed in the writing of this column. Its purpose is to mourn the loss of their careers, status, and in all likelihood bank accounts. This is an homage to their life’s work, both well-received and utterly humiliating. I have the utmost respect for all of them, even if they no longer have respect for themselves.
by Jenn Tisdale

The last time Prince toured a friend of mine ended up in a VIP room of one of his shows with Steve Guttenberg. That night, however, the “V” in VIP stood for vagina. Guttenberg spent the majority of the evening demanding that someone find him some pussy. And sure, we all want to believe he’s a staunch supporter of the ASPCA (SAD SONGS, SARAH MCLACHLAN, NEVER CHANGING THE CHANNEL FAST ENOUGH) but I’m fairly certain that’s not the case. That evening sums up Guttenberg’s career quite nicely.

A couple of made-for-TV movies into his career Guttenberg landed a role in Barry Levinson’s “Diner,” (1982) which takes place in Baltimore and reminds us that sometimes that city has things that are not murder, drugs and The Wire. It also starred Daniel Stern, Kevin Bacon (makin’ Bacon?), Paul Reiser, Ellen Barkin, and Mickey Rourke when he still looked like Mickey Rourke and not a papier-mâché version of himself made by a 6 year old in an arts and crafts class.


His star began to rise when he played that wise-crackin’, womanizing, full chest of hair police officer Carey Mahoney in “Police Academy” (1984). He really showed us that a man with no life goals, no real career path, no drive…ambition…or skills…and a penchant for half shirts, can really make it in the world of law enforcement. We also learned that Kim Cattrall can act like a mannequin in films other than “Mannequin.”

He reprised his role as Officer Mahoney in 3 more Police Academy films before moving onto bigger but not necessarily better films such as “Three Men and a Baby.” He pretty much plays the same character in this film except now he has to act opposite Tom Selleck’s moustache which, less face it, is intimidating on anyone’s best day.

Soon after “Three Men and a Baby,” Guttenberg played a slick, fast-talkin’, jokester in “Cocoon.” Wait, is there a pattern here? Yes, there is…Wilford Brimley’s moustache has a role in this film and it could give Selleck’s a run for its money. Guttenberg had his work cut out for him.

A sequel to both “Cocoon” and “Three Men and a Baby” soon followed but Guttenberg might forever be known for his very loose, very relaxed jog through Central Park in 2008 which really showed us all of his *talent (*penis).

While he may be gone he is certainly not forgotten, and it is my sincere wish that Guttenberg fulfilled his dream from that night at the Prince concert, finding that great big pussy in the sky.