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Even though Keanu Reeves seems to be steadily working I have decided the last film he did was Constantine. It had everything I love: A war between good and evil, old magic, religion, Shia LaBeouf, Tilda Swinton, fucking Peter Stormare as SATAN, and FOR NO EARTHLY REASON Gavin Rossdale (Mr. Gwen Stefani himself). Keanu Reeves brings his classic acting style which comprises of very little emotional reaction to any given situation presented to him, unless it’s time travel. He has a very limited acting range, just like someone else we all know and love…

Did you know that Keanu means “cool breeze over the mountains,” in Hawaiian? And nothing describes Reeves’ acting ability better than a mountain. His first television role was in the CBC Television show Hangin’ In (pft. Canada.) where he played himself as himself, you know…himself.

Throughout the 80’s he starred in several commercials before landing the biggest role of his career to date as Ted Theodore Logan in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.  As a time traveling enthusiast (Back to the Future) this movie spoke to me on several levels. It gave you 2 lovable, albeit mostly stupid characters whose band would eventually unite all of mankind in peace, love, and understanding. It also starred Alex Winter of The Lost Boys and George Carlin, as their righteous time traveling guide. My favorite movie is Future Bill & Ted trying to convince Present Bill & Ted that Rufus (Carlin) is for real. How do hey do this? They ask Past Bill & Ted to guess the number they are thinking…69 DUDES. As a kid I was always so amazed by this. HOW DID THEY ALL THINK OF 69. Kids!

Reeves was on a roll when he followed Bill & Ted up with one of the greatest films of all-time, no bullshit: Point Break. This movie is so delightfully ridiculous. Reeves plays a former college football star turned FBI agent who was recently assigned to the Los Angeles office where he is partnered with CRAZY GARY BUSEY.  But wait, there’s more. Their task is to figure out who is behind a string of bank robberies. Thankfully Busey deduces that it’s probably a group of surfers who need to fund their lazy way of life. Just think, if Kickstarter was a thing back then they’d just have one of those and I’d be donating like mad because PATRICK SWAYZE IS THE MAIN SURFER. Ah, he is so spiritual. I’m surprised he didn’t bring any of his former Tai Chi experience (Roadhouse) into this role. Oh, and lest we forget…Swayze delivers the line of the film (well…one of several) to Anthony Kiedis. No, it wasn’t about heroin or blood or sugar or sex or magik with a K.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rT63Nq2ZTOU

Back off Warchild. Seriously. It’s the “seriously” that really makes that line. Sadly there was no sequel to Point Break because he needed to slide back into that Ted Theodore Logan role for Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey. There was literally nothing bogus about this film (well the ending was a bit insane). Plus we are treated with an amazing scene between Bill & Ted and the Grim Reaper (a la The Seventh Seal) wherein they play games against death to get out of..well…death.  What games you ask?

Don’t you wish the movie Battleship was just this scene for 2 hours?

He then tackled one of my favorite books, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, playing the role of Jonathan Harker. In this film he played a British person who was sometimes British, sometimes not British, and mostly getting manipulated by vampires. It was awful apart from Gary Oldman (who has literally become his own last name) as Count Dracula.

Then in 1994 Reeves didn’t let our hearts dip below 55 mph with the very popular FULL THROTTLE movie Speed. Thankfully in this film he reprised his role as Johnny Utah (OH YEAH HIS NAME IN POINT BREAK IS JOHNNY UTAH), except he wasn’t Johnny Utah. This movie was a perfect action film and showed us that Reeves could leap off of buses and make out with Sandra Bullock. Duly noted.

In 1997 Keanu “Stone-Faced” Reeves co-starred in The Devil’s Advocate with Al Pacino. Man, he loves starring in movies with The Prince of Darkness, doesn’t he? This movie is fucking wonderful. Let’s let How Did This Get Made do the talking.

Now, some would argue that The Matrix series was Keanu’s finest work. Meh, maybe the first one. It was certainly amazing, from an FX angle but again…I find it so hard to believe that Reeves could be the saver of the world. The only thing he’s probably saving is collectible U.S. quarters from every state.

After the last Matrix film it’s been a slew of nonsense until this meme hit the webz:

This meme, affectionately referred to as Sad Keanu hit the Internet at OVER 55 MPH when Reeves was spotted sadly eating alone on some random park bench. Thank you people of the net. There is talk of a 3rd Bill & Ted movie…the script is ready, everyone is on board. I can’t wait. You know what they say: Out with the KeaOld, in with the Keanu.

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