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It wasn’t too long ago that I could freely receive a dick pic without consequence. That was like 3 Thursdays ago. Now it’s all THE NSA LIVES IN YOUR MIND and LADIES GETTIN’ KIDNAPPED FOR 10 YEARS.

In the neighborhood where I grew up we stayed outside during the summer until the streetlights turned on. Finally, after the persistent screaming of our parents, we would reluctantly go inside. I know where you think this is heading…unmarked white vans and candy. Nope. First of all in today’s organic, free-range, Monsanto-free times kidnappers are more likely to entice a kid with some locally farmed fruit. What has today’s youth given up? The freedom to move.  Listen up assholes (parents), force your children to be active. Don’t buy them gaming systems when their tiny, malleable brains are still developing into fully formed thinking machines that will inevitably disappoint you.  Look how well you turned out! Sure, your parents probably sat you down in front of Sesame Street or The Electric Company but those were brilliant, educational shows featuring important life lessons and a puppet that lived in a garbage can (that’s an important life lesson but it’s mostly about being homeless, though if you think about it the word homeless merely suggests you are home…less).  If you’re worried about a roaming pedophile scouring the street for your darlings, relax. Your children aren’t that good-looking/interesting. If you’re still concerned then check to see which of your neighbors have been putting the good foot into the bad thing. My best friend recently did a search of my neighborhood. It turns out my next door neighbor has done a thing or two in his time! I’m fine. He’s quiet, keeps to himself.

When I was 20 (in 2000) and living in Los Angeles I had come home to Maryland to visit. For whatever reason (my tendency to self-destruct) I took mushrooms the night before a 6 a.m. flight back to California.  I ended up in my mom’s bed at 4 a.m. trying to convince her to call the airline and ask them to make the plane wait. It wouldn’t.  She dragged me to the airport, terrified and marched me up to the gate herself. Remember those days when your loved ones could wait with you or would be anxiously awaiting your arrival from places unknown? Thanks to 9/11 and terrorists and people buying drugs (which leads to terrorism) we no longer have the freedom to live out various touching scenes in our favorite films.  Gone are the days of dramatically flinging yourself into the arms of your significant other, tearfully hugging them after being away for a weekend in Pittsburgh.  And let us not forget the strict policies regarding what you can bring on the plane.

From that image I gather Mick “Crocodile” Dundee won’t be boarding a plane anytime soon. I guess you won’t see anyone from Michael Jackson’s “Beat It,” video either. That’s not very fair. Also, if you want to stay hydrated please spend $20 on an 8 oz. bottle of water after you go through security. The TSA also gives you what I call the full Outdoor Concert Mosh Pit Treatment. By that I mean they are putting their fingers in all the holes.  Look, I have a feet thing. I don’t like to go barefoot anywhere, not even in my own house…now you want me to remove my shoes and wander through your machine all willy nilly?  I just want my footwear freedom back. Is that too much to ask? Well, is it Al Queda?

I’m no saint. I’ve made a mistake or 2 in my time. I’ve been arrested 7 times. I counted the other day, so I’ve made at least 7 mistakes.  The beauty behind a mistake, however, is you often have the option to correct it. Hell you can even correct the same mistake twice. You know what they say: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, a lady.  So when your government decides to step in and force your hand/uterus in a matter, you should be pretty pee’d off.  Sometimes one slips past the goalie…you are harboring a fugitive…you got a bun in your oven, etc…and then you have a difficult decision to make. Should it stay or should it go? It’s The Clash…of the tiny titans. This should remain your decision. Sadly Uncle Sam just loves being an uncle so it keeps trying to find ways for you to papa don’t preach, keep your baby.  Here are some exciting tactics:

1.  Pregnancy resulting from “legitimate rape” rarely occurs. Basically that rape was so legit your body quit that baby.

2.  We aren’t really sure when life begins. Well, I can tell you when your life ends…anytime you are stripped of freedom!

3.  Abortion offends God. Really? Sounds like someone forgot about Exodus 11:4 – 6

“Thus saith the Lord, About midnight will I go out into the midst of Egypt.  And all the firstborn in the land of Egypt shall die, from the first born of Pharaoh that sitteth upon his throne, even unto the firstborn of the maidservant that is behind the mill.”

Thankfully we have people like Wendy Davis who spent 11 hours filibustin’ because it makes her feel good (and it is right) a controversial anti-abortion bill in Texas. Thank you Wendy.

Now, before I am accused of being un-American…here are some freedoms I take advantage of, without thought or worry.

1.  Wearing whatever the fuck I want

2.  Voting

3.  Living in a war-free zone

4. Practicing whatever religion I feel like (Pagan, Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Hinduism, worshiping Back to the Future)

5.  Going to the doctor

6. Marrying whomever I want, conversely, marrying absolutely no one at all

7. Waking up every morning with the knowledge that it could always be worse but for now it is not

Happy Birthday America! Get out there and be somebody.