Jenn Tisdale is a D.C. stand up comic. Follow her on Twitter at @Jenn_Tisdale.
No “celebrities” were harmed in the writing of this column. Its purpose is to mourn the loss of their careers, status, and in all likelihood bank accounts. This is an homage to their life’s work, both well-received and utterly humiliating. I have the utmost respect for all of them, even if they no longer have respect for themselves.
I recently stumbled across the episode of “The Wonder Years,” in which Alicia Silverstone played Kevin’s dream girl. What Would Winnie Cooper Do?
“Are you busy Friday night? “Maybe. Maybe not.” I don’t even have that kind of cool. Mine would go something like this. “Are you busy Friday night?” “I’M OVULATING LET’S DO THIS.” Sure, Silverstone didn’t write that line but she delivered the hell out of it. It’s comforting to know that the weird way she moved her lips was always a thing. Almost as if she just had a mini-stroke…OF ACTING GENIUS. She’s out of the limelight today, but let’s revisit our favorite Alicia moments on the Silver(stone)screen.
I didn’t even know about that little cameo on “The Wonder Years.” My earliest Silverstone memory is of her chilling performance in the 1993 film “The Crush,” starring alongside Cary Elwes of “The Princess Bride,” fame. Get stalked by an insane 15 year old girl? As you wish. She was disturbing beyond belief and I vividly remember feeling very uncomfortable during all of her weirdly sexy scenes. This performance garnered her an MTV Movie Award for Breakthrough Performance but she should have won Best Fatal Attraction Performance Without a Rabbit. By the way do not Google Image today’s Cary Elwes. Tuck away the memory you have from “The Princess Bride.” This fan video is creepy and reminds us of how inappropriate this George Michael song is.
Then Silverstone flipped roles by playing the victim in what feels like a prequel to “Fear,” in the movie “Hideaway” which also contained the statuesque beauty that is Jeff Goldblum. Let’s take a minute to appreciate Jeff.
This movie is like a weird sci-fi fantasy/horror film about a man (Goldblum) who almost dies in a car accident, when revived he discovers he has visions of a serial killer whose eyes he can now see through. But guess what? The killer can see through his eyes too and he wants to kill/love a very adorable Alicia Silverstone, who plays Goldblum’s daughter. Watch this if you’re hungover and you come across it on OnDemand.
And now the crown jewel in the Silverstone cinematic dynasty….1995’s “Clueless,” written/directed by Amy Heckerling and somewhat in the neighborhood of Jane Austen’s “Emma.” This movie was perfect and despite all the 90’s glory that comes with it, still holds up today. It also starred Paul Rudd (Josh) as Silverstone’s (Cher) stepbrother turned boyfriend in the film (we were all slightly horrified by this and the last scene which involved so much tongue during the kiss). It also stars Brittany Murphy (RIP), Stacey Dash and a young mostly stoned Breckin Meyer. I spent the majority of this film coveting Silverstone’s wardrobe and hair. To this day it remains one of the most quotable films of all-time. I stand by that. Observe:
- Josh: We might get Marky Mark to plant a celebrity tree.
- Cher: Oh how fabulous. Getting Marky Mark to take time from his busy pants dropping schedule to plant trees. Why don’t you just hire a gardener?
- Josh: You know, maybe Marky Mark wants to use his popularity for a good cause – make a contribution. In case you’ve never heard of that, a contribution is…
- Cher: Excuse me, but I have donated many expensive Italian outfits to Lucy, and as soon I get my license, I fully intend to brake for animals, and I have contributed many hours to helping two lonely teachers find romance.
- Josh: Which I’ll bet serves your interests more than theirs. You know, If I ever saw you do anything that wasn’t ninety percent selfish, I’d die of shock.
- Cher: Oh, that’d be reason enough for me.
And of course…
Take a look at everything Brittany is wearing in that scene. Plaid flannel, dyed cranberry hair, taken from the “My So-Called Life,” collection. Searching for a problem with this film is as “useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.”
Two years later she mistakenly joined the spotty Batman franchise by playing the role of Batgirl. God that was awful. I wanted to eat my own face. Never again. That same year she starred alongside Benicio Del Toro in the movie “Excess Baggage.” What’s that you ask? Who else was in it? Why Christopher Walken. It must have been a slow year for everybody but I love it because I mostly love bad films, exclusively. Also I’m a girl so I kept thinking “Did Alicia Silverstone gain weight?” the entire time. Years later, while at a party in Los Angeles; I met Benicio Del Toro. It was there that I told him that “Excess Baggage,” was my favorite film of his. I was 20. We madeout. So if you ever meet him, there’s your in.
Oh God, then she did “Blast from the Past” with Brendan Frazier (sadly this was not a sequel to “Encino Man.”) and “Beauty Shop” with Queen Latifah. These are the only 2 terrible films in the world I do not like.
Today she is best known for two things. The first is her extensive involvement with PETA. This makes her annoying by proxy. Right now she’s probably throwing red paint all over someone’s leather gloves. What she does best, however, is feed her goddamn kid like she’s a mother bird and it’s a tiny helpless baby in a nest. That’s right, she chews up the kid’s food then feeds it to him FROM HER MOUTH. I am very excited about his therapy bills. Also she named her kid Bear. Now that’s just the PETA talking.
I just threw up in my mouth. If only I had a hungry kid to whom I could feed it.
Oh well, it seems we’ve lost sweet Cher Horowitz forever. We’ll have to settle for our “Clueless” DVD’s and every subsequent Paul Rudd film. It’s enough to make you cry, then maybe bathe your kid with the tears or whatever.