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OH HEY AUGUST (or as I like to call you: the sweaty Swamps of Sadness)! Let’s ignore the fact that it’s about to be muggy as shit outside and instead focus on the positives, like all of the below events WHICH WILL INCLUDE a screening of Beetlejuice FO’ FREE. But first:

  • Here are your astrological questions as answered by Justin Bieber BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY.
  • Next, we think women should be able to wear whatever the fuck they want to at Comic-Con, but #NOTALLMEN agree.
  • Meanwhile, here are ten movies that are sexier than Fifty Shades
  • And if you plan on getting some exercise done this weekend, why not #HEALTHGOTH it up with our #HEALTHYGOTHIK playlist? (David Lynch’s workout line FAST APPROACHES, Y’ALL.)
  • Finally, you are bound to be hungover at some point this weekend, but not NEARLY as hungover as we were after Tales of the Cocktail. RECAP HERE.

AND NOW FOR EVERYTHING ELSE:

THURSDAY

  • Personally I’m going to have to vote you kick your evening off at Rough Trade with Avan Lava, largely because they’re basically one of our favorite bands of all time and I would hate for you to miss them ESPECIALLY when tickets are just fifteen bucks.
  • We’d also like to highly recommend that you swing by Glasslands this evening for a Juan Waters show, which will be happening from 8:30 and beyond with Cassie Ramone and Las Rosas for just ten bones per ticket.
  • AND if you’re prepared to stick around for the late gig and shell out (pun soon to be intended) for aTrippy Turtle and Obey City show, then just be sure to have an extra ten bucks on hand, and maybe like, a couple of shots of espresso.
  • Ummmmmmmmm but let’s be totally real here, we’re looking for free music because #POVERTY, and let me just say, Lincoln Center’s Damrosch Bandshell is THE PLACE TO BE for that, ’cause Jose Gonzalez is playing for free tonight. Kind of amazing.
  • More into DJ sets? Well, get your tickets to see Goldroom and Lauren Flax do it up at Verboten tonight, ’cause the price will sit pretty at just ten bucks until day of show, when they’ll jump another five bucks per person.

  • You can also (and SHOULD also) snag a fuck ton of free booze from #SGBDAY30, which will be happening at a TBA location between the hours of 11pm and 6am. (Yes, you should probably pound a coffee beforehand.)
  • And speaking of free drinks, VICE will also be hosting its annual exhibition of photos at Pioneer Works, so be sure to get on the list to grab tons upon tons of free Becks beer, and, you know, look at photos or whatever…
  • AND there will be cookies and cocktails dished out over at Printed Manhattan’s warehouse sale this evening, so be sure to get there between five and eight to take advantage, yeah? DROOIDS will also be providing the tunes.
  • But maybe you’d just prefer to be the laziest human of all time this evening, in which case you should be sure to make a beeline for Brooklyn Bridge Park right after work, ’cause mother effing Beetlejuice is screening for free.
  • Meanwhile, if you’re willing to shell out a little dough ($75, to be exact), then you’ll be glad to hear that Edible Manhattan will be hosting the 6th annual GOOD BEER event! The price of admission includes all food and beer pairings, which are likely to be DELICIOUS.

FRIDAY

  • First up, we’ve got a Reignwolf show happening over at the Bowery Ballroom this evening. Be sure to grab your tickets well in advance, though, ’cause it WILL probably sell out, and they increase from $16 to $18 day of show.
  • Of course, you could ALSO just hit up Rough Trade tonight for a show ft. our favorite DC buddies US Royalty! Tickets will run you a very reasonable twelve bucks a pop, and you’ll just have to be there around 9pm to catch the gig.
  • If you just REALLY WANNA DANCE, though, then you should most definitely head on over to Cameo Gallery down the street; tonight they’ll play host to a Neon Indian DJ set, meaning beats for days for a reasonable fifteen bones.
  • Or for a slightly more affordable but equally fantastic DJ set scenario, please head on down the road to Glasslands, where Escort will be doing the late night DJ set for you for a mere ten dollars per person. SO GOOD IT HURTS.
  • Personally I think we should all just camp out down at the South Street Seaport, though, ’cause starting at 7pm they’ll be hosting a FREE Snowmine show, and guess who’s opening?  THE MOTHER EFFING CASKET GIRLS / HOORAY!

  • It’s also the Deli Magazine’s tenth anniversary, and to celebrate they’re going to be presenting a Drowners show tonight for FREE (so much #VALUE tonight) over at the Brooklyn Night Bazaar, so get ready to take advantage.
  • Of course, maybe you’re more into watching other people’s dance moves than creating your own, in which case you’ll want to head to Videology in Williamsburg for a free evening of JUST the dance scenes from the Step Up movies.
  • What’s that? You are SO TOTALLY INTO BURLESQUE AND/OR MYTHOLOGY?! Well then I have JUST the event for you, which is a mythology-themed burlesque situation that’ll cost you $25 for general admission, $45 for VIP.
  • Or if you’ve REALLY got some dough burning a hole in your pocket, you could always just shell out $375 to participate in the adult sleepover that’s happening at the American Museum of Natural History overnight tonight! #AMAZING

SATURDAY

  • Another solid evening to hit up Cameo Gallery, though, ’cause tonight’s DJ set will feature the inimitable Simian Mobile Disco, and you can bet your face that you’ll be dancing FOREVER for the price of fifteen dollars.
  • And if you feel like arriving a little earlier to Cameo Gallery you can ALSO catch a Skyes show with Tiny Hazard, Wild Fur and Paperwhite, just be prepared to pay another eight to ten bucks on top of the fifteen for SMD if you wanna do both.
  • Brooklyn is KILLIN’ IT with the DJ sets this week, though, tonight being not JUST sorted w/ that SMD set, but ALSO over at Glasslands they’ll play host to a DJ set by the lovely Ladyhawke! Tickets are twelve bucks in advance, fifteen day of show.
  • PLUS it’s mother fucking POTTERCON over at the Bell House today, which, in case you could not employ context clues to determine what that means, is a free Harry Potter festival that is going to be the greatest thing of all time.

  • After that ends at 8pm, though, you should probably grab a bite to eat and then swing back around for Party Like It’s 1999, ’cause it is free and you will be filled with so many wizard dance moves that it WON’T EVEN BE FUNNY.
  • But maybe you just cannot get enough Potter vibes today, in which case you should leave POTTERCON and make a mad dash for Manhattan, ’cause Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone will be screening for free at the Intrepid.
  • And speaking of boats, we can also hop on Pretty Much Amazing’s Circe Line cruise ship tonight and spend the evening listening to the amazing tuneage of Chrome Sparks! Tickets will run you between twenty and thirty bucks.
  • But maybe you just don’t have twenty to thirty bucks, in which case you should probably just hit up the Grand Victory for Glamdammit’s presentation of GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS. Tickets are just five bucks, and there’s an open PBR bar until 11pm. NOT A BAD DEAL!

SUNDAY

  • First up, one of our FAVORITE favorites Mister Lies will be in town to play a show at Cameo Gallery this evening with Knower, so be sure to grab your tickets in advance for just ten bucks or else they will 1. sell out and/or 2. increase to twelve bucks.
  • OR just zip up the street to Rough Trade instead, where Nick Hakim will be playing a gig that is well-suited to a broke-ass wallet; that’s right, it’ll be FREE ADMISSION over there, so be sure to go early for the 1:30pm doors / 2pm show.
  • More into the Manhattan vibes this evening, though? WELL, you should probably hit up Mercury Lounge for a Mimicking Birds show; they’ll be playing with Fasano for ten bucks in advance, twelve dollars day of show.
  • Or just be lazy and hit up Habana Outpost, where you can catch a free screening of 9 To 5 and enjoy some reasonably priced street corn, margaritas ‘n BEER in the process. #DOLLYPARTONFORTHEPERMANENTWIN

  • PLUS Nitehawk will continue its outdoor movie screenings this evening with one that is VERY worthwhile, aka The Three Amigos, so be sure to get to 50 Kent and set up shop while there’s still space, yeah? Okay, great.
  • And speaking of Nitehawk, if you’re willing to pay a little cash for your movie screenings today (indoors, of course), then you’ll absolutely want to catch Harold and Maude, because it is one of the greatest movies OF ALL TIME.
  • But if you’re trying to beach it today, then you should MOST DEFINITELY hit up the Rockaways, ’cause the New York Transit museum will be giving rides via some OLD ASS TRAINS to get you to la playa from 11am-5pm.
  • Then again, you might just be really, really hungry and/or really, really vegan, in which case you’ll want to get your face over to Littlefield ASAP for The Vegan Cook-Off’s Best Balls Competition. That’s right, VEGAN MEATBALLS GALORE for $15.

WOW SO MUCH STUFF! If I’ve failed to mention anything near and dear to your ears, please feel free to internet-strangle me in the comments and/or on Twitter. BYE!

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